ALIAS.CRAZY.

Who is Aliascrazy?

2009-04-22T17:21:00.000-07:00

Here's where you can find out more about Aliascrazy...

Chasing My Intentions (all things me)

Something She Said (a poetry blog)

The Food Experience (adventures in a CSA membership)

Not Really Nomadic (a travel blog)

Die Verwandlung

2009-02-04T20:06:00.000-08:00

This blog will look very different, very soon. This is a good thing. Why? Because it will be divided up into each venture of my creative, juicy life. One section will be devoted to my unfinished novel and poetry. Another section to my personal travels. Perhaps another to the miscellaneous daily randomness. But the special new section will be about Chase. Or at least that's his working name as of now.

Chase will be the star of my new blog about this beautiful Bay Area and all the wonders that can happen here. So, it's not me, but it is. You'll see me in every piece of writing, but it'll be a blog dedicated to the adventures of Chase.

So, the metamorphosis currently referred to in the title of this post is for this web site. Hopefully, Chase will be setting off into new adventures every week and the blog that follows him will take off.

Thanks for reading!

Meet Oscar

2009-01-22T12:14:00.000-08:00

The nominations came out today! I did not tremble with anticipation, nor did I dread who wouldn't get nominated. I felt the Golden Globes hit the nail on the head for the most part. Although, sometimes I felt like there were people nominated in the wrong category and certain performances that should not have been nominated. But as far as winners at the Globes.... fairly on point. So, nope, wasn't too worried about the Oscar noms today.

Then I actually read through them all.

Um... wow. There are a few things I'd like to point out: Oscar is nominating some really obscure peeps this year in a few categories and that's FANTASTIC! At the same time, they nominated some of the same wrong people - puh-lease! Get over it and nominate people who A) deserve to win and B) really acted in their parts....

Good things:

Kate Winslet was nominated in the BEST ACTRESS category for "The Reader". This is what I didn't understand at the Globes, although it was mad cool that she won two that night (her other for Best Actress in "Revolutionary Road"). This leaves the BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS category wide open, which I like to see. I love it when it IS five actors or actresses who deserve to be nominated and/or win.

"Milk" was nominated a whopping 7 times! And for things it should be nominated for: Best Picture, Best Actor, Best Director, Best Supporting Actor (Josh Brolin), Best Original Screenplay, and Best Costume. Also Film Editing, but - that's something I can't speak to. As a resident of San Francisco, with parents who lived in the city at that time - it was like a flashback. Every single thing about that movie was real. And it's about a person and a time that still matters to us today, so I applaud everyone who worked on that movie and Oscar for nominating it so extensively.

Wild card noms! Richard Jenkins in "The Visitor" nominated for BEST ACTOR and Melissa Leo in "Frozen River" nominated for BEST ACTRESS. I have not seen "Frozen River", but "The Visitor" completely deserves that nod, even if he's a long shot to win. It was a very moving film and both the films are independent, which means either Oscar is getting restless with the big-budget dramas Hollywood is shoving out into the market, or more indie theaters have opened up in the US and people are seeing these types of movies more often! I like to think it's both actually!

Bad things:

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. I'm really sorry. No. They're good people, sure. They're even good actors sometimes. But neither of these movies really did it for me for BEST ACTOR or BEST ACTRESS. Both of these movies had other things that either overshadowed the performance or enhanced the performance to the point where I thought "it's not them, it's the script or the costume or the music".

Sally Hawkins wasn't nominated for BEST ACTRESS. She should have been nominated, not Angelina. Except that comedic female roles have never been that sturdy at Oscar nom time - the exception being Ellen Page last year for "Juno". And even that was less comedy and more striking presence and drama-worthy moments.

I haven't seen it yet (this weekend is the date), but I'm surprised Revolutionary Road wasn't nominated more. Leo deserves the nod more than Brad does. Then again, Leo's been in countless movies where he should be nominated or even win and never does. So, if Oscar is trying to say "hey, we like the pretty boy too!" then give the nod to Leo, not Brad. Dear Lord, it's not like Brad was any better than Cate Blanchett in "Benjamin Button" and she wasn't nominated in the least! I think they complemented each other very well in the film, although I love her more in those roles because she just fits so well.

Um, WALL-E? Best Picture? What up, Oscar?

OK. Nuff said. No predictions this year, but I'm hopeful Kate Winslet will win her Oscar - finally. She's like Susan Lucci for crying out loud! And I want Slumdog Millionaire to win Best Picture. Mickey Rourke can win Best Actor. Heath can win his Oscar - since he earned it and he gets the empathy vote. Dustin Lance Black and take it home for his original screenplay for "Milk" and David Hare should DEFINITELY win (in my opinion) for his enrapturing adapted screenplay of "The Reader" - German novel people! Read it, it's excellent.

Everyone else is on their own!

New Year Resolutions

2009-01-11T12:27:00.000-08:00

It is such a big word: resolution. The idea that you can wash yourself clean of all things in the past is a BIG idea. Much bigger than the word itself. It's scary! How can I, little humble me, make such a resolution and stick to it? And yet we think we can do it every single year. It amazes me how people can change.

I want to change. I want to breathe new life into myself and renew every fiber of my body and mind. Some people do it with yoga or poetry or vacations. I'm doing it with a new friend of mine. Yes, that's a very dirty line... And that part of it is true also. But in the short time we've had to hang out and get to know each other, the more I want to know. It's not infatuation, it's not lust (well, not all the time), and it's certainly not love. It's that calm that renders you utterly whole. It's that rush of warmth whenever a worry tries to wiggle its way into your thoughts. It's something new. And the things that are new in your life make you feel new.

I feel new. I feel like I'm changing. Which is really good! I still have my dilemmas of finding a job and how to keep paying my rent. But I also know that my good friend Emily is getting married in October and I'm going to be a bridesmaid. I know that I have a fiendishly funny way to make her smile and I intend on using that at her wedding! :) I also know that not everything in my life is about me. I am not my job, I am not my apartment, I am certainly not my friends. And yet all these things have a say in who I am.

But not who I could become. That's up to me. And right now, I feel new and fresh and alive. It's a priceless feeling and I hope I can use it for good, not evil. We'll see how long it lasts....

My resolution for 2009: learn from my mistakes, write more, and start breathing again. Long, deep, whole-body breaths.

baby steps

2008-12-13T14:25:00.000-08:00

It has most definitely been a time of change. I've done a lot of thinking lately, mostly because it's winter and people tend to stay indoors more often. And when you stay indoors that often, you think differently. You're influenced by different parts of nature, you use different senses. Over-thinking was never a weakness of mine, it's more of a worried strength actually. Winter kinda sucks that way - the brain becomes the "sense" I use the most.

I need to find a new job by February. I haven't exactly been actively looking, but I should be. I'm not looking forward to the 40 hours a week, starting at 8am, come January. But it's money. Money that I won't have anymore if I don't get my act into gear and find another job. But how do you find another job when this job is the one you want to keep hold of?

I need to write more. I have been writing. I just haven't been able to put it all together. I've got ideas for short stories, but they aren't really being written the way I want to write them. And I am a believer in the story writing itself. As the author, obviously you have a specific and unique perspective of the story and how it should play out. But when I write, it's not always calculated. Is that genius? Is that the magical spark of genuine creativity? I'm not so sure. Calculated works just as well sometimes. I will say that it feels good to be writing again. Spontaneously and organically being able to express what's in your head through your fingers is not something I take for granted. I respect my own talent for what it is and I know it's worth something. It's nice to have that feeling back in my life. I didn't have that feeling for a long time. Doubt can be useful, but not if you let it marinate in your head. My goal is to hold on to that feeling of worth for a while.

Oh, and I'm accomplishing something gigantic this holiday season. Christmas cards. Me and stationary haven't always gotten along. But I'm kicking my own ass about it this year. Yep.... self-worth here I come...

So, because of the job search and the overuse of my brain for thinking purposes during the colder months, and the fact that it's just a body pillow at night to curl up against, I might not get that writing blog idea up and running as soon as I thought. I am working on the writing though! So, maybe I'm making baby steps.

Minor Revelation

2008-11-23T10:27:00.000-08:00

I feel shocked and numb and all-around dizzy.

The car broke down again. Had to get it towed and fixed (more than $2500 paid) and it's still not working. So, they had better find that they fucked up, because otherwise the parents have to buy another new car.

My friend, Emily, is engaged. She tried, sneakily, to tell me before. I'm disappointed that I'm so wrapped up in myself to not have caught the sneaky way she tried to tell me.

Yeah, that's the last straw. I'm such an idiot and I'm completely disconnected from what's going on around me - no wonder there's so much bad karma going on. I really will endeavor to listen more and talk less. It is not all about me. And it never will be (long-term). Was I always this way? Did I always think of myself first? Man... I kinda don't know what to say anymore.

I don't want to be so wrapped up in me that I'm not experiencing life with my friends. Why would I go through life alone? Why would I want to repel the very things that might make me happy? Even if I don't realize I'm repelling....

And what am I doing? I'm sitting here on my ass. I never sit on my ass. Who have I been this past year?!

My Apologies to the Maid...

2008-11-18T21:26:00.000-08:00

I haven't been very on top of things lately.

Yes, I'm still working. I'm still having drinks with friends. And I think I'm still sane. But that last statement has been tested. Quite heavily.

The car broke. Mom was in the hospital briefly. I might be losing my job (even though that was never a surprise - I AM a temp). M's situation grows grimmer by the day. I hate him and then... I just can't anymore. So, really, I never hated him. He just frustrates the s**t out of me with his moods. I'm sure I do the same for him. *shrug*

The good news is, however, that things will be renewed in short time. Both M and I aren't fighting the impending doom at work, so we can actually get on with life. This means I get to start really thinking about what I want from life. Part of that includes writing. So, yes, I'll be on this blog WAY more often - but not in the same format as current. Hopefully, if I get my act together, I'll make a better, more vibrant, audio podcast-included blog.... so I can really get my writing out there into much more than the ether.

And because it's fun. :)

So expect more from me, and less from me in the near future.

Foot Debacle

2008-11-04T17:21:00.000-08:00

I haven't said much in a while. And that's because my health has taken a poor turn.

Most recently, I was in the ER because my toe infection that I thought I had taken care of pre-Thailand was not completely out of my system. Thinking logically, I put some triple antibiotic on the toe to help stop the oozing. Oops. I guess the neomycin in that didn't like my skin and broke out in a fierce rash, AKA contact dermatitis.

So, I got some lame steroid cream to help the rash, which didn't stop it at all. Dermatology today gave me something much stronger. And they took pics because they haven't seen an acute contact dermatitis like mine in a while and it's a university hospital - students in lab coats... Greaaaat.... The podiatrist injected me (very painfully) with an anesthetic and removed half of my big toenail. So, I'm on antibiotics for the toe.

Needless to say, I'm doped up without being on pain killers. Not sure how that works. Maybe I'm just really exhausted from all the doctor visits?

The one good thing that happened? (Besides actually getting this shit taken care of.) I thought of M. When he was injecting me with that needle, I imagined M hugging me. And when I went to the next doctor's office and had that needle image flash before me again (because all doctor's offices look the same really and those images just don't leave your head), I thought of M rubbing my back and smiling.

Halloween may have killed my foot, but M and I (as well as a handful of others) had a really awesome time. The hug that capped off Halloween was the one I thought of during all this hospital crap.

I'm not getting all dreamy and girly. I just appreciate the calming effect M's hugs have on me. Isn't it nice to have a friend who does that for you? Makes you feel more at ease.... And when my foot debacle is over, I'm gonna order him to look at my bare foot and declare it beautiful. :)

She's Baaaaaaack!

2008-10-22T12:35:00.000-07:00

After the long plane rides, feeding elephants, drinking water by the gallon, and eating my way through Thailand's gorgeous landscape - I'm back in San Francisco!

I do enjoy being back at home: Being able to eat bread in sandwich form, not feeling like I have to change my t-shirt twice a day due to the intense amount of sweat rolling down my back, understanding what's being said to me at the corner store.

But I already miss Thailand: Delicious exotic fruits for breakfast and dessert, the sound of the rain as it falls through thick forests of tropical tree canopies, the fact that I spent only $200 dollars during the whole two weeks (most of which was spent on Christmas gifts for other people).

It's a fantastic country, rich with culture and a heritage that still remains strong and proud with its people. It's a country that has never been invaded or overpowered/ruled by a foreign force. That's quite amazing in this day and age and considering that it's been a kingdom for hundreds of years. It truly is the Land of Smiles and I can't wait to go back....

I just hope the plane rides don't wear me out next time!

Thailand Awaits

2008-10-07T14:48:00.000-07:00

And so my adventure begins.

I'm off to Thailand starting tonight. My plane leaves at 1:45AM - technically tomorrow - and I haven't packed a thing. Typical Liz. I'll admit, it's the first plane ride I'm a bit nervous about. I've heard the ride can be bumpy at times over in East Asia.

But I'm really thinking about seeing Fern again! I'm so excited to hug her and see how she's grown up in the last year. She's a university student now! And we'll be going around from temple to temple, seeing the sights. Hopefully I'll get used to the heat sooner rather than later. But knowing me, I'll forget to drink up and leave myself dehydrated. Also, typical Liz.

I'm determined to bring back lots of little gifts. Did someone say Christmas shopping? Oh right, I did actually. So, expect something cute or exotic or both for a present this year. For those of you who normally receive a Christmas present from me..... Just because I'll be able to buy cheap things for people, doesn't mean I'll suddenly start sending you a present. Plus, do I have your address?

I'm getting off track. I'm nervously excited and thrilled not to have to be at work. Many are jealous of me, but I will appease them with brilliant photos, funny stories, and perhaps a chotchky or two.

Wish me luck! See you when I get back!

Thailand Awaits

2008-10-07T14:39:00.001-07:00

The rumbling and the roaring
Of my own insides
A hunger for calm and sanity
Expecting bumps and bruises
And only getting adventure

Travel brings a curiosity
Roaming imagination
And endless mindscapes
Of the things that are new

I will see beauty
I will smell sweetness
I will hear melodies
I will think of you

I take people with me when I travel far away
And they see what I see, touch what I touch
You will be ever present, my dear
And when I return from the land of smiles
You will remember everything

The femininity of the PC

2008-09-30T13:36:00.001-07:00

I'm convinced that computers are female.

This would explain why many men find themselves as engineers or developers in the high-tech industries. Men who work in IT must consider themselves highly competent and agile, in order to find solutions to computer glitches. This hypothesis extends to my life.

Let's take M for example. Someone at work once said "M is really great. Somehow he performs Jedi mind tricks on PCs and gets them to work." My response: "Good thing I'm not a PC." Famous last words. Not one week after saying that... I found myself flirting hard core and ending up in bed with him. Not the biggest mistake of my life. But there have been some ups and downs, as previously entered into this blog.

The PC inside of my female consciousness was throwing a few "fatal error" and "connection interrupted" messages at M. He reacted with frustration. Naturally. Somehow, he performed his rubber chicken show and magically we're still friends. Of course, all computers want to be used. Computers are supposed to be useful and an online store or application is always rated on how "user-friendly" it is.

Computers, like all things female, tend to throw temper tantrums now and again. Most of the time, we have good reason for it. Computers give users a virus warning, when really the computer is interpreting an unknown digital signature as a virus. It's all about communication. Computers have that "user-friendly" layer of language that the home PC buyer can understand. Meanwhile, something quite dangerous or fatal may be happening underneath that layer.

Sound like anyone you know? I thought so.

And yet, computers didn't create this on their own. No, the engineers and developers assigned this type of language to a computer's operating system. And these engineers are... male. The same males who pride themselves on being as updated and current on everything related to computers as they think they can be.

Get a typewriter!

The truth never sets you free, it merely explains why you've been longing for freedom....

2008-09-24T17:10:00.000-07:00

Here is the truth:

I look damn good in my new shirt and nobody's complimented me yet!

My stomach is not happy with me because I haven't been hydrating very well at all.

I listen to M vent about his living situation and I can't help but want to hug him. I want to slap his roommate. I want him to move out on his own terms, not someone else's. I want him to be able to breathe easier at night. I want these things because I care about him; because he deserves these things.

The truth is.... not what you'd expect it to be. Everyone has struggles. If M is struggling with his professional life, as well as his personal life, then he's bearing the brunt of the universe's unhappiness. I struggle with myself about what I want out of life. This is the same with most people.

Sigh...

The truth is you should tell people the truth.

Unexpected

2008-09-22T21:19:00.001-07:00

Something jolts me awake
A dream, a lingering wisp of smoke
Lacing my thoughts with haze
This unexpected feeling
An unwelcome guest

My brain manifesting truth
Incited by my own imagination
And the wait until the unknown
Becomes the known
Creating holes of black within me

Somehow my legs cave in
I'm learning to stand up
All over again
I stumble, I cringe
My insides twist and shout

The unexpected
Only leaves you
Expecting more

"choose to enforce yourself"

2008-09-17T10:39:00.000-07:00

It's been a while....

Things haven't changed much, except the weather. It's much more windy and chilly outside. So, a short indian summer to say the least! I thought it would last into October. *shrug*

I remain a contractor/temp at work. I don't know for how long and in what capacity because things are very up in the air for this company. HR is saying my contract may end soon, that it may not be indefinite. But does that mean I'm losing my position? Or does it mean that my contract simply runs out with HR... because the company is being siphoned off to be a start-up again? So... some things to come I think.

Not everything is what it seems.

With M too! I really like where we are. We're friends, it's easy to talk to him, easy to vent. There are certain topics that he feels comfy bringing up in front of me. Makes me feel like I'm a friend of his. Like he can trust me with that info. So, that's very cool.

On the fooling-around side, however, it's not paradise. It's a murky gray area. Although there were a few things both of us were very clear about. Believe me, the fooling around is a LOT of fun. But fun doesn't mean that it's the best sex ever - so, some creativity might have to happen. Or the fooling around stops, although we've tried not to and.. yeah... like that worked.

I think whatever we are is a very murky gray area. It's completely ambiguous, even though it feels comfy. Sometimes, like after the kind of talk we had yesterday, I get a little curious to know how he feels, what he wants. I know what he doesn't want. The girly in me wants to know: What do you want from me? What do I mean to you? How can we stay in this comfy place without hurting each other? And if we can't stay there, how do we get to a good friends-only place where we don't hurt each other and still feel comfy?

Sigh.... I'll probably never know the answers to that. I can't control that anyway, even if he told me those things. I can only control myself and my own feelings/thoughts. I know how I feel and I know what I want. I know what he means to me. And if my heart breaks, it won't be all his fault. But I'll live. Whatever M thinks of me, I'm so much more than that.

I know this now thanks to him. For whatever reason, he's been in my life since April. So, I've only known him a short time. But during that short time, I've grown back into my own skin. I've gone through a really insecure time and come out the other side, our friendship still in tact. It means I'm strong enough to handle myself. It means I'm growing. I like it. I'm enforcing myself. I'm learning how to be comfortable with knowing who I am. That's priceless.

Sidebar, your honor....

2008-09-08T11:36:00.000-07:00

Here are a few things I've noticed about the world lately...

There's no such thing as a good customer. Even the ones who just buy your product and go about their business. Because you wish they loved your product so much that they obsessed about it. Of course, if they obsessed about it, eventually they'd find a way to hate its functionality. Because love and hate always go hand in hand, right? And of course, once they hate your product, they can't stop telling you how much it sucks and how they're never buying anything from you again! EVER! Meanwhile, you're the biggest kid on the block offering this type of product, so they unwittingly end up purchasing from you again. And the cycle continues.....

Learning to accept things is a contradictory process. Yes, I accept that the world is round. I accept that when it's hot, I wear less clothing. I accept that if a bird shits on me in Italy, I'm applauded. But where in the book of growing up, did it ever say that I have to accept personality quirks? Mine or otherwise. Shouldn't I be able to complain about these as loudly as I complain about the fact that it's too fucking hot outside, knowing full well that I'll accept it anyway?

Graciousness is lost on the new generation and certain foreign cultures. I'm gracious enough to wave people across an intersection because we stopped at the STOP sign simultaneously. Maybe it's not so much the lack of graciousness, but a lack of understanding graciousness. If I wave first, you follow my lead and accept my offer. Pedestrians should behave similarly. If I've stopped my tons-of-steel car in order to let you walk across the street - pick up your feet and do it! Because Lord knows, that tons-of-steel car would do some severe damage to your already weakened brain!

And last but not least....

Letting your friends know that they're awesome and that you adore them for who they are is the best way to feel good about yourself. No thinky explanation on that one because frankly, if that doesn't make sense as is...

Don't Mess with the PM

2008-09-03T14:10:00.000-07:00

It is oppressively hot once again in SF, which is highly unusual. Even if our summer time has just begun - September and October are traditionally gorgeous in SF - this is WAY too hot!

I'm getting more and more excited about my trip to Thailand! I'm trying in vain to learn some basic phrases and sentences. But every time I want to practice, I get a bit of stage fright: What if my tones are completely off and I'm offending someone? Sure, I'm gonna sound like a foreigner speaking Thai, but I don't want them to think I'm making fun of them by being all overly dramatic with the tones! It's the hardest part of the language for sure!

I mean, I'm used to tonal languages - Mandarin for one, I hear it every day on the MUNI - and I can mimic slightly those type of tones. But Thai just sounds more odd somehow. I can't put my finger on it, but yeah... there it is. Doesn't mean I'm gonna give up trying to learn!! :) I want to know how to go shopping for food on my own, ya know? Even if I never have to.

Fern (my sister...) has said the situation in Bangkok regarding the volatile PM relations are still quite volatile at the moment. So, we might end up sticking around her neck of the provinces for the whole of my stay. OK, so I miss Bangkok this time around. Or maybe the violence stops before I show up. We'll see, but I am definitely not calling off my trip! I mean, if the country devolved into a communist state overnight, I might have to reconsider, seeing as how suddenly Americans would be the enemy. But I highly doubt that'll happen by October.

It's an internal problem that doesn't get front page news for Americans unfortunately. Even a militaristic "democracy" isn't gonna ruin relations with the US so much so that the tourists stop coming. Tourism for Thailand has got to be the number one reason they have an economy. So.... unless bombs went off, I'm going.

It's Not Love, Is It?

2008-08-30T16:05:00.001-07:00

The skin on my arms turns into goosebumps
Hairs stand on end
It starts in my hips and works it way
Out of my tear ducts
It's then I understand that my heart
Is deeper than I thought
Growing roots within myself
Where once I had thought the darkness too bleak
A foreign feeling
Like that of a numb limb waking up

You are forever walking towards me
I can allow myself that image
That one small wave of contentment
Because it remains
If only to feed these growing roots
Breaking through the stubborn soil of my insides
My breath becoming the leaves of a giant tree
I shade myself under the canopy
I've created for myself
From the seeds you helped me sow

" I feel it all "

2008-08-30T15:14:00.001-07:00

A few things happened yesterday/this morning:

I lost part of my eyebrow ring, so now I'm forced to go shopping for new jewelry!
I met a man named Tugboat and he let me smoke from his double-barrel pipe.
I ate the most wondrous breakfast dish ever - Beef Bi Bim Bop.
I went commando.
I hummed "You Are My Sunshine" while walking.
I got frustrated when he didn't come.
I may have overstayed my welcome.
I may have floated home.
I took the most awesome photo EVER!
I started to realize that my thoughts about a certain someone are wonderfully scary.

Sometimes I just get overwhelmed by the depth of my heart. My soul. I take things in and I cherish these moments. I know that M thinks this way too. There's a certain look on his face every now and again. Like he's looking inward on himself and telling his heart to remember it just like this.

I'm definitely having one of those days. After, like always, making a tiny fool of myself during the evening/night, the next morning/day changes me. I just don't think I can get enough of him sometimes. It feels like he's just wavering on my fingertips. And I adore it and it scares me. For me, it means I'm getting closer. It's addictive. And I shouldn't allow myself to start feeling these things. My heart's a tough cookie and I can handle heartache. I'm doing my best not to set myself up for it this time.

I know he sees other women. I know about them. Not in detail, and I haven't met them. But he talks about them. I'm sure he's aware that I don't talk about other guys. I even mentioned a funny story about a guy I had been with. He laughed, but... he also didn't want to hear about it all. He's so with me when we're being lovers, but... he also refrains sometimes from hugging back too tightly and giving me kisses on the street, the morning after. I have no idea what he feels for me. I know we're friends. I know we're lovers. And I know he likes his space to do what he likes.

Sigh..... Could I be growing on him? Not as a friend, but as something else? Might he actually start to think of me in this floaty, whimsical way? We both have moments of feeling that for each other I think. And I think we both don't want to do anything to disturb our friendship, so the thought of being something other than what we are right now scares us.

All I know is that he's amazing and fills me up with a sense of wanting more. Yes, of him, but also of everything else.... I've felt so many things, had so many ups and downs while I've known him. Sometimes it's been about him, sometimes not. But I've been living. I've been extending myself as a person, as a human being. That's something not everyone can give you. And I think it only happens when someone makes you feel. ..... It's not love I'm feeling. Not the romantic love when kisses crescendo like in the movies. Not the consistent love when holding their hand is all you need. No, this is just my heart growing roots. Not in him, but in me.

The depth of a heart cannot be measured. Just when you think you might have stretched your tentacles as far as they could reach, something grows inside you. Something new. Something strong, yet fragile; the beauty of which is indescribable. And it's just starting to be a defining experience for me: to know that this type of beauty of spirit grows inside me.

how can it be awkward when I haven't even said HELLO yet....

2008-08-24T09:38:00.000-07:00

Everyone knows that feeling of anxiety. It creeps up on you and begins to boil your insides. Suddenly, your stomach has flipped on its side; the muscles in your hands freeze until your hands look like claws. Some people know this feeling better than others. I'm not usually familiar with this emotion. I don't get panic attacks. When I think morbid thoughts, I simply brush them off and go about my business. I don't scare myself into thinking that I'm nervous.

I do, however, have a tendency to overthink things. Situations, which need not be awkward, are suddenly... awkward! I would hesitate to call this anxiety. This is more like lack of logic and/or perspective.

Well, last night I met with some old classmates from the MA program. It was not nearly as awkward as I imagined it to be, although there were some key moments of major uncomfy-ness. I reverted back into iTool status whenever I felt out of place. I was too blunt when Bryan's girlfriend asked me what I did for work. She's a trooper and didn't let it effect her. Generally, I made it through the evening. There was one thing that gave me some perspective.

Maybe it's PMS, maybe it's my stress levels. But the past few days, I've been bombarded with cute significant other imagery, which has made me frustrated and venty. Wordvomited to M... twice... about this. Needless to say, he was not cool with it, which I think is kinda silly. My point is that the cutest couples are still couples, with all the problems and miscommunications of any other relationship.

Example A: Marie and her boyfriend. Been together for four years, Marie's wanting to talk about moving in together, he's not. Big subject matter, which scares some people. But when Marie and Mouse are together, it's hard not to vomit because they are so freakin' adorable and sweet to each other. Marie's awesomely good about communicating, so they're working things out and having those big discussions. Yeah for them!

Example B: Kim and her boyfriend. Also been together for four plus years and live together. They mesh well, they seem like they want the same things. Kim confided in me last night that she needed to bring a topic up to Devon, but wasn't sure how to do it without hurting his feelings. While I may not be a great person for that advice (being as blunt as I am and not knowing Devon better), I did listen to her and gave her my point of view. She was grateful for it.

The perspective it gave me was really helpful. Sure, I still feel like I'm going to be single for the rest of my life. I'm human too and can't change that quickly. But it lightened my heart to have confirmation that... you know what? Everyone else is confused and nervous and emotional about their own relationships situations.

Nothing is perfect. But I suppose you can allow things to be perfect for your relationship. I've been single for nearly six years now. I've had a few guys enter my life in that time. But none of them ever stuck it out and wanted to be my significant other. Most of them ended up as my friend. I'm good at being a friend. Maybe that's what's perfect for me. Sometimes I get a little low - I mean, all these friends (half of them guys) tell me I'm awesome - why wouldn't someone want to be with me then? I'm learning to let that be and just continue to be awesome.

Where can I get me some cuddle?

2008-08-21T15:44:00.000-07:00

What a week it's been so far! It's not even over yet!

I had been craving a time when I could just sit and read my book. And I have that time, but at work. Harumph.

It's 4pm. In an hour, I'll be off to meet Martin from Switzerland, who will accompany me to the airport, to pick up the car. I'll drop him off at the apartment before heading over to dinner with Zoe and Chjanna. And thank GOD I have nothing to do tomorrow! Sigh.... Release and relax and everything else! Oh right... laundry. But that's about it.

I'm SO craving some M time as well! Gah. Is it just me, or does cuddling about in bed with someone awesome sound incredibly apealling? And like all day!

The Unsaid Spoken

2008-08-21T15:35:00.001-07:00

It's not a word, or even
A syllable or sound
That enters my mind as something
You've said

It's the cock of an eyebrow
Mischievous squint of the eye
That grin
The one that only inhabits
One side of your mouth

You've said volumes
And I listen intently
Like a child to an aging crone
A whispery voice relaying stories
Of the distant past

That same boundless activity
Found in a waiting child
Boiling just underneath the surface
Of my skin, of your skin

But neither of us says the unspoken
The step that would take us closer
To comfort, would also be
Our undoing

We speak with our eyes, our smiles,
Our energy
We dance along the same vibrating thread
We keep the unsaid spoken between us

Futomaki is a 4-letter word

2008-08-18T17:29:00.000-07:00

A jam-packed week is ahead of me. And I'm pretty much looking forward to it.

I'm off to get the nails done right after this post. My Italian co-worker laughed as I described the hourish-long process that is pink and whites.
Tomorrow, the gang meets up for kickball and beer. Dad's in town, so the parents are off to see Brideshead Revisited. Mom'll surely come back with a yay or nay verdict on how well it was done.
Wednesday sees me and my parents eating dinner... somewhere... for my parent's 31st wedding anniversary.
Thursday morning the rents jet off to England for three weeks of vacation/family reunion. Sans me! But it's cool, because I get Thailand in October. I have to let a couchsurfer from Switzerland into the apt before picking up the car at the airport garage after work. I drive the car over to meet Zoe and Chjanna (YFU student) for a Chinese veggie dinner.
Friday, another surfer stay for the Outside Lands festival this weekend - he's interviewing some of the artists.
Saturday, I've got both chiro and yoga before meeting up with old colleagues from State, like a mini-reunion.

Sigh.

I'm tired just typing this!

Add to all this the "stress" at work of starting the Hire-Liz process... Yeah, I'm a bit pulled from several angles.

I was curiously drawn to have sushi today for lunch. It was the best chicken teriyaki I've had in a while. The CA roll was... a'ight. And the tea went cold too quickly. But... props to the teriyaki!

I swear I'll write something more... artistic... one of these days. But generally, plan on not hearing from me this week. Unless something truly fantastic sweeps me off my feet. Like a great new song, a spectacular car crash near work, or anything relating to my cousin - who is in need of some prayers should you choose to pray.

Does Michael Phelps have ANY body fat on him?

2008-08-14T16:59:00.000-07:00

I currently feel like I'm bursting at the seams. Damn lunch! Damn jeans!

On the other hand, I'm excited to just go home after work. Get into my pajamas. Watch some Olympics. Yeah, how laughable are some of the controversies coming out of these games. Chinese gymnasts that aren't of age. Swimsuit material that breaks world records. Digitally enhanced fireworks, just for the telecast. China's government has been masterful at double-think philosophy/psychology/ideology for decades. Why should this be any different?

It's hard enough for the entire country of 1.3 billion to act like a unified country with common wants and needs - when has China ever been anything other than a giant gray area?

Although, I don't care about the swimsuit material controversy as much, since it's been helping the Americans out. Ha! One night, earlier this week, it was like every single time an American was in a final, they won gold and made a new WR. Sounds good to me. My favorite moment so far was Jason Lezak's final 100m in the relay. Holy cow! I don't care if that's the swimsuit - that was exciting! Down a good body length, came from behind in the last 20m to punch in first and win gold. Even the swim experts can't see how he did it, other than pure muscle and heart. And swimsuit of course. :)

In other news, M and I have been in a really good place. This is what it was supposed to be all along, if I could have just let things go and relaxed a little. Instead, I went through a period of freak-outs and insecurity. Not entirely due to my situation with him, but... there were other things in my life. Now? I feel calmer. I'm not sure why, but I like it.

For some reason, I can compartmentalize now. When we're at the office, he's my co-worker. When we're around others but socially, he's my pal. When we're in bed, he's my lover. I don't consider this easy by any means, and I'm not taking it for granted. I'm enjoying it. This is a good friendship. Dude, he stuck through the insecurity and freak-outs to get to this place too. We don't owe each other anything but this good place right now.

OK, off to the car to drive home. Yes, I had to in order to get to work this morning b/c someone's lover dragged her to his place last night. Oops. Grin.

Think Mode

2008-08-10T15:38:00.000-07:00

Everyone has moments when they can't help but go to that place in their mind, which can only lead to self-doubt, regret, and insecurity. It's human to feel inadequate. It's natural to critique yourself. What matters is your next step. I admit to being a glutton for incompetent self-confidence because it always leads to compliments. It's a weakness of mine, but when I get to that place in my head, it just feels good to hear that someone thinks I'm awesome.

Most of this weekend has been me, sitting on my couch, watching TV, reading a book, listening to music. Take your pick, but I was doing it by myself. You need that space now and again. Yesterday it felt good to be by myself and do what I wanted/needed. Today, after too much sleep and not enough of an appetite, I feel... smaller. I could fit into someone's pocket and not make a peep.

And then I found M, said hi, started to feel like I could climb out of that pocket. Sigh. This is what friends are for, even if he feels uncomfortable if I say he's a good friend. At some point, he's just gonna have to get over that, because I tell my friends that they're awesome. Maybe not every day, but I let them know that they mean something to me. It's not me trying hard to have a friend. It's me showing love.

I know I'm awesome. Somewhere in my mind, maybe right next to the self-doubt, is that place of self-awareness and confidence. I may not be completely secure in who I am - jeesh, whoever says they are is in denial - but I know parts of me that are strong. I'm human, which means I'm fallible and imperfect. To get all word nerdy, the word "perfect" is Latin for "done through" = finished. I certainly wouldn't want to be finished at age 27! So, I fully accept that I'm imperfect - gladly!

I'm unfinished. As are we all I suppose. I just need to listen to myself. Listen to that place in my heart that beats only for me - treat myself like I would want others to treat me. It's hard to hear yourself over the roar of the crowd sometimes. I guess that's my own personal quest for perfection. I'll probably never attain it, but it's never the destination, it's the journey.

Overwhelming

2008-08-06T16:14:00.001-07:00

Lights turn red as my hands turn numb
The window stays open for fresh air
I can't breathe in enough of the stuff
Intoxicated by the smell of your skin
A scent that lingers in my nostrils
For days afterwards

My mind remains an open tomb
Black hole of emotion and thought
Whatever it was that sucked me through
Holds me captive, although I struggle not
I've seen what my being can handle
What I can sustain

I cherish it
Although the memory retains only fragments
It stays in me
Like a filling meal leaves your body comatose

Cousin

2008-08-02T23:07:00.001-07:00

she's just a little girl
wandering around with her big, open eyes
she's just waiting for something
to fall in her lap
her fate, her happiness, her doubt

she's not so young for a little girl
living with mom
and blaming her too
never learning how to stand up
on her own two feet

it's a shame and a sham
she's checked herself in
those big eyes full of ripe tears

every wet drop will be like alice in wonderland
growing and shrinking alongside her emotions
it'll be like she'd never left herself
never let herself hang out to dry

she's just a little girl
in big girl clothes
riding the teacups until she pukes
until somebody tells her to get off
until she realizes the ride's just a ride

"it's nine o'clock on a saturday, regular crowd shuffles in"

2008-08-02T22:36:00.000-07:00

It's Saturday night. I'm not out having fun with my friends like I thought I would be. I'm not sick in bed, which would be a great excuse. I'm sitting around in my pajamas feeling incredibly dumb for taking a five-hour nap.

Last night was unexpectedly awesome. Went to ZG with Jannes and some other German friends, but saw M and Christian. Went to say hi and kinda never left. Christian ran off to see Conor Oberst (Bright Eyes band member), but M and I goofed off together, hanging out with some of the Germans. You know that awesome vibe two people can have together? Like the zip and zing that comes with just plain getting each other? I adore that. And that's what M and I have sometimes. Last night was one of those times.

There are no disclaimers or worrisome faces. Just two people who know each other well enough, enjoying each other's company. That shit just relaxes the hell out of me. It makes me feel like a whole person, you know?

We took a cab back to my place. He took some Jameson and Bailey's and Guiness and... well, that's some sort of car bomb-like shot, yes? I made some mini pizzas in the oven, but M wanted to broil them. Broil? How does the broiler work? Please don't blow up my apartment! Oh, yeah, the broiler's actually easy to use. Show off my new iPhone's audio. Dance party to Flight of the Conchords "Robots". (M couldn't believe he was robo-boogie-ing in my kitchen...) I lurved every second of it.

We continued to enjoy every second of the next hour and a half in my bed. Fuck yeah. Granted, I had to wake up early, since I had some YFU volunteer obligations today. But he's a trooper and woke up early same as me. Romped around in bed some more, before I hopped in the shower. I got on Muni and M found coffee.

Sigh. He really is a good guy. No two ways about it. He's a good guy and I'm glad I get to see parts of him which are awesome. That sounded dirty, but you know what I mean!

Aside from the sighing going on in my head today because of last night... Jeebus I've been tired and odd all freakin' day! I wolfed down a bagel once I got to the YFU meeting. And some OJ to up the sugar quotient, but even that didn't help. My stomach was not happy. At all. And I was not hungover, just... freakin' tired!

So, after getting home WAY later than I thought - missing out on friend B's interestingly cool photo session with a photog friend of hers - I promptly ate something before passing out in bed. That was around 5pm. It's nearly 11pm now. Yeah. As much fun as last night was, I shoulda known my body would fail me in this way. Apparently, unless I can sleep in the next morning, I'm not physically capable of staying out late two nights in a row.

It's a very good thing Dave, Rae and Jenny love me enough not to hate me for flaking on tonight's plans. Which I do believe included a trip to The Cafe and some sexy moves on the dance floor. I'm always down for that, but my body laid the smack down. It always gets the final say.

So, here I am, writing this in my pajamas. Letting everyone know how lame-o I can be. I'm about to read a chapter or two in the latest romance novel to grace my library. I think I might also play a mission or two in my "Interpol: The Hunt for Dr.Chaos" on my laptop. Let's see if I can stay awake long enough to not ruin my entire sleep schedule.

I'll work here, until I don't anymore

2008-07-31T16:58:00.000-07:00

So, I'm unofficially a permanent temp at the office. It's nice to know this, but at the same time, how cool would it be to have a job job for once. Other than the Berlitz gig (April 04 - Feb 05), I have not had a permanent full-time job. Ever. I make money by taking part-time jobs, until a great temp job comes along, until that job runs out and I take over for someone on maternity leave, and so on.

I had that Berlitz job and it sucked. It was uptight and you had to be on your toes the whole time. Plus, you had to dress accordingly. Yuck. So, I moved to Norway for six months and took an internship. Slightly outside the box, yes?

Then, school. Part-time jobs of course, because I'd be a nutter if I'd had a full-time job on top of that. My brain can only handle so much information at once. I respect people that can do that - but I know myself well enough to know I'm not like that.

Now, I'm done with school and this temp job came along.

Lucky for me I live in an area where you can live on jobs like that. And well enough. I'm not simply making ends meet and I even have funds enough to travel to Thailand this October! I enjoy my life and I'm glad to have luxuries that others don't. I do NOT take things for granted, even if I bitch about things sometimes. I'm not a saint. A girl's gotta vent, ya know?

But I am edging up on 30. Not that that's a milestone I had set for myself or anything. It would be cool if I didn't have to explain why I don't have a career to a certain amount of people. It would be even cooler if I had a career where I could truly love what I do. But - ya know - I make do. And my life doesn't suck.

Sigh. I guess everyone else is just gonna have to not ask me what I do for a living!

Disturbing Dreams

2008-07-28T13:04:00.001-07:00

My mind kept jolting me awake last night with some pretty disturbing imagery.

I was on a plane trip over the Pacific and the weather was horrible, lots of turbulence, as I got up to go to the bathroom to puke, three hijackers forced me back into my seat, stabbing me in the stomach slightly with whatever small sharp objects they had.

Then, I was at a bar waiting for M and Marie to show up, but they showed up late. And when they did, Marie was covered in bruises, having been brutally mugged. M helped her to hobble over to the bar, which was the closest place to find a bathroom for her to clean up.

Another scene had me sitting tied up in a chair, unable to speak, my eyes glazing over. Someone was checking my pockets for... something.

The scene that finally had me nearly in tears, was my Mom telling me Dad had died. At the hospital, they had mixed up the paperwork, so we couldn't find his body in the morgue.

I felt utterly helpless and alone in pretty much all of those dreams. I even tried forcing myself to dream something nice, so I could get back to sleep. I would try thinking of having sex with M, or lying on the beach, or just simply trying to feel an imaginary hug. None of it worked.

I did eventually get back to sleep all three times I woke up, but man... my mind is seriously insecure right now apparently.

Three boos for reunions...

2008-07-23T13:31:00.000-07:00

I had an amazing weekend of clarity. The revelation of sanity, so to speak. And I feel cleansed somehow. And free of emotion.

That is until, an email started to niggle at my mind today. A gathering of old friends from the MA program. An invitation. An invitation for me to show how much failure I've accomplished? I have no idea how they've turned out since we all left the program. It's a car wreck. I can't help but wonder about going, but I probably shouldn't dare to involve myself.

Just the fact that the email said: "Significant others welcome of course!" Because yes, we're all assuming that the happy successful students are happily successful in that area of life too. Lejla's married and one of the smartest people I've ever had the chance to study next to. Kim's got Devon. Bryan has his girlfriend. Dave's got his.

Yep, I'm not only the only one who didn't pass the MA, I'm the only one without a significant other. Now, from that perspective alone - if you were me, what possible reason would you have to go to a little mini-reunion?

The only thing that intrigues me is to see what they're up to and if it gives me any ideas into what I could do as well. Plus, it's never good to turn down a reunion when it's so few people. Then, it's constantly, "why couldn't Liz make it?" So, I guess I'll have to go and I'm sure I'll make the most of it. Only Kim knows that I failed, and she's certainly not gonna say anything. So, I'll carry it off like I always do, with nobody being the wiser.

Ugh. And I was in such a great mood just now.

Reminder

2008-07-23T13:12:00.001-07:00

Everyone has that something that eats at us
Our insides turn to mulch
And the doubt bugs come to plump up

There's a pulling down in my middle
As I read the note
Reminder of a part of life unfinished

A time of clarity, followed by a time of levity
I can't quite seem to get it right
My head starts to throb

We like to remind ourselves of all we are
The good times, the gold stars
This note only brings me back

To that place where I put on a mask
The image of an accomplishment
Unsure that I can bear for them to see me

As I am, I have failed in their eyes
I can see that they see me
Someone less than what I really am

This note will be burned
But into my brain
And all my clarity of the recent past
For naught

M? Apparently, the horse is still dead....

2008-07-17T16:43:00.000-07:00

I'd like to apologize to someone via my blog. If he reads this, he'll understand what I'm about to say.

Yes, I'm kicking a dead horse. I kinda suck at tact sometimes. IM convos are the worst way to converse. Although, texting is possibly a bit worse. During our IM convo today, we were both in weird places. I was definitely in that odd scatterbrain headspace - due to abusive customers and being stretched thin. And, ok, maybe it effected me a little... the thing you told me about Saturday. But not in the way you would think.

I truly appreciate that you told me. Like, immensely appreciate it. It's a big step and I can imagine it might have been something you thought you shouldn't tell me. And the fact that you're trying to understand me while I'm going through a bad insecure phase in my life, is also a testament to how cool you are. You are indeed a good friend. My friends mean the world to me.

I did say the wrong thing in the wrong way. And I apologize for that. Actually, I kept apologizing and trying to make sure we were ok... to the point where I was unraveling myself. And I shouldn't be so hard on myself. But I am sometimes - and I'm working on that. I know, I sound like some girl who never really left therapy.

What I should have said, and wanted to say, was this:

Feist?! There's still tickets available?! Fuck yeah... Let me see if there's anyone I can come with. If not, have a great time.

That would have been a normal response. Instead, you got the version of me that says the wrong things and then flogs herself for making a mistake. Well, not actually flog, but you get it. And the fact that you get it is good.

Friday in Portland... (and a little bit more)

2008-07-12T21:52:00.000-07:00

...was uneventful. I played Escape The Museum on Jen's computer for like an hour and a half. It's a dumb game. But it helped dumb me down for a moment or two.

The dumbing down was a particularly good thing, as I'd had many moments in my down time. Moments of thought. I get thinky. It's a me thing and sometimes a problem. I went back and forth about M. Part of me doesn't want to let go of it all. But he makes me nutty. That's not necessarily a good thing. So, the opposite party of me just wants to live my life.

Why do men suck your brain out and let only the air remain?

It definitely sucks that I met him during a time in my life when I have no direction or feeling of purpose. I'm still learning how to find me. So, of course I fucked up the end game with M. And at the end of the day, I have to think about myself first.

There's just this part of me that swells like an incoming wave. I overwhelm myself with feelings of longing. It fills me up to the brim and I just can't help but ride the wave. Of course, even if the wave leaves me physically, there's that roll inside your body that remains. You can still feel the movement of the wave long after you've left the ocean.

I feel like I'm not quite living my life yet. After seeing Jen and Chris with Gavin.... it just hit me even harder. Jen found her happy. She's a mother. I don't see myself as a mother, but it was just so obvious that she was comfortable. It's not that I wish for what she has. I wasn't envious. I'm happy for her.

I don't know.... Maybe I'm just waxing poetic right now. Or rather waxing thinky.

Thursday in Portland

2008-07-11T13:54:00.000-07:00

Gavin was being both cute as can be and cranky as can be. The cuteness is deceptive people! There is no rulebook on how to be a parent and the way kids scream their bloody heads off - I am not surprised by the amount of post-pardum depression in new mothers. Being a parent is some hard shit yo. Props to my mom and dad who maintained a balance for me. Just like Jen and Chris are doing.

They're really great parents. And that's mostly because they decided to be parents. They may not have known exactly what they were getting into, but it was a decision made on both parts. They'll raise a happy kid I'm sure. He's already a pretty relaxed, go-with-the-flow child. Yes, he cries. But that's because he gets hungry, poops himself, gets sick, is growing new teeth, etc. He's eight months old! It would be so kick ass if babies from birth could just speak outright to their parents:

"Excuse me. I think I shat myself. Would you mind changing me? My arms are a little too little."

"Pardon me if I'm upset, but this new tooth is being a bitch."

"Dude, I just want something sweet! What's with all the carrots?!"

But that's not reality is it?

Getting back to Portland....
I stayed at home while Gavin took his nap. Jen dropped Chris off at work and came back with lunch. Yum. But my stomach wasn't super happy about it. The milkshake? Yeah... No more dairy for Liz for a while.

Once Gavin woke up, we headed down (an entire three blocks!) to Burlington Coat Factory. I did not need a new coat, but they have super deals. Bought a pair of shoes, two scarves, and about a large handful of earrings and necklaces for around $40. Score. I needed to update my jewelry box. Gavin was still in a good mood, so we drove over to Target. Jen needed to buy cat food, shtuff for the litterbox, and baby fings. Then, as we were done with that, Gavin was due for another nap.

Drive home, I stay put in my shorts and tank top because it's freakin' boiling outside! Gavin sleeps for about ten minutes, then starts crying. Jen went to pick up Chris. I ponder. Do I go in there to check on him? What if he's hurt himself? Or is he just pissed off and can tell that mom and dad aren't home? I poke my head in, he sees me and cranks up the volume. Fuck. So, I go in to turn his music back on and he's crying like he's been attacked by bodysnatchers. Damn. Shit.

Fine, you win. I pick him up and sit with him outside for a minute. As soon as I'm about to go back in to let him sleep more, Jen and Chris walk in. Chris' words? "I knew it. He tricked you."

Fine. Yes. I was fooled by an eight-month old. No need to rub it in. It's not like I'm practicing or something. So, they take Gavin with as they go shopping for dinner. I get to stay home and do some YFU volunteering! Woohoo for making phone calls!

We had burritos for dinner, although I fell asleep for an hour as Gavin ate his dinner and ours was being cooked. My stomach now is not happy with me at all, because I had a milkshake directly before falling asleep for my nap. Oops. Ate my burrito and felt awful, even though it was yummers. Drank down some Pepto and watched some TV. Fell asleep kinda late - 12:30!

Woke up and Gavin had already had breakfast and was ready for his morning nap. Man, I can sleep! He can't though.... Woke up thirty minutes later. Yeah, Jen loves that. And when does she get to nap? Never!

Wednesday in Portland

2008-07-10T10:34:00.000-07:00

Crankypants! That's all I have to say! I am so not having a baby if it means I have to listen to crying and whining and all-around crankiness!!!!

Dropped Chris off at work, then went over to Sushi & Maki for lunch. Delicious and yummy sushi and Mommy and me. Mommy had to shovel though because SOMEONE was getting rowdy and whiny. Liz took her time and paid for the meal. We were going to shop around at Burlington, but we had to get Gavin home for a nap. Good little man was down for a good two hours!!! Bravo!! Mommy needs her alone time to read and such sometimes.

Would have picked Chris up at work, but he decided to work a bit later and Gavin had a doctor's appointment. Jetted over to the clinic. As soon as we got in to see the doc - Wail Wail Scream and Shout! Oh baby was Gavin a sad little scared man.... He was screaming up a storm. Had to turn around in my seat and rock his seat back and forth to try to get him to fall asleep on the ride home. Would have gone home before heading over to grandparent's house - but the BBQ was off for some reason.

Jen stopped by anyway to pick up mail. This meant Chris walked home from work. Oops. But we decided I would do my cooking and we'd figure Thursday out on Thursday. So, I started cooking and (in my humble opinion) made the best curry sauce I've ever made. Aside from the fact that it was nowhere near as spicy as I like it. But there were others that don't appreciate spicy as much as I do. Yes, the chicken and potatoes in orange curry sauce went over very well! Yeah me!!!

Sat down to some "So You Think You Can Dance" and got Jen involved. Evil grin. Writhing of hands. Chris and Jen went to sleep and I stayed up to watch Tep Koppel's thing about the similarities between China and U.S. economies. 'Twas quite interesting actually. Not a big fan of Ted, but the info was good to chew on. Went to sleep, but woke up at 6am because I was cold! I ran for my hoodie and fuzzy socks and went back to bed. Woke up three hours later - like a well-boiled egg. I need a certain amount of time in bed.

Today: perhaps the Zoo, perhaps not.

Tuesday in Portland

2008-07-09T09:44:00.000-07:00

After writing about Monday, I showered. A fantastically good feeling since it was getting hotter and hotter by the minute. Chris came home and we then dropped him off, so that we could have the car to go.... shopping!!!

I wanted to shop for some earrings or hats, etc. You know me and scarves.... But we ended up at this new store called LoveCulture. Only in Portland, Seattle and L.A. Figures. But it was the type of store I could do some serious damage in. And they need to open one in SF. Tomorrow. Half the store is too trendy for me, but perfect for skinny Asian girls - who wear those high-heeled wedge sandal things. But they had some really cute button-ups, vests, shirts, and light jacket types. It is a shame they don't carry XL in most of their styles. There was a cute ass denim vest that made me boobs look amazing. But it was only a large and my middle was a bit too wide for that. Couldn't exactly wear anything underneath that vest. Which is never a bad thing.... Some people might like the whole less-clothing look. I happen to like it too, just not on me in public.

Anyway, came away from there with a green hoodie, purple flowy shirt, and orange sleeveless cover. Now, the orange sleeveless thing doesn't button up or anything. The fabric is long in the front, so it hangs down. But it just looked so ME, I had to get it. It serves no possible function other than to look cool over a wifebeater.

Rushed home so Gavin could nap and the apartment complex's maintenence guy could paint over a small section of the bathroom. Literally took him two minutes. Took a nap myself. Woke up and Jen had already gone to pick Chris up from work. Then, it was an evening of YouTube videos (midgets fighting barechested on Springer) and taco salad, followed by me helping to write an angry customer email to Newegg.com.

Apparently, they mishandled an order by Chris and he got pissed because he couldn't use the daily special anymore. Not his fault, but he ended up paying way more for all the parts he ordered. At this goes to print, the issue still isn't resolved.

Watched some episodes of "Deadliest Catch" with Jen, while Chris and Gavin fell asleep. I fell asleep around eleven thirty and upon waking up, my neck still feels like shit. Made an appointment with Dr. Reis for Saturday. Thank goodness.... because my neck is all out of whack! I honestly can't wait. Gavin was playing with my bag earlier today, but Mama Jen put a stop to that. He's fucking adorable, but he can also be a crankpot. I am more and more convinced that having kids is not entirely my thing. Maybe it will be some day, but in general, babies are like aliens. There's a fascination, but it still scares you out of your mind too.

Today: sushi for lunch, more shopping, BBQ at grandpa's house.

Monday in Portland

2008-07-08T09:59:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I woke up too early. Showered anyway, drank some tea on my way to the airport, then proceeded to be scanned and searched in the security line. Not in the bad way. Just in the regular slow-as-shit way. Made my way to the gate. Called Dad. Called Jen. Heard the "Rocky" theme song.

What?! Rocky?! Where's that guy from the office who has that as his cell phone ring? Oh, not him. But man.... that was funny.... Snapped me back to reality for a moment.

Got on the plane next to a bunch of loud-mouthed people. It's the morning. Shut the fuck up. Super easy flight, I read my Rolling Stone the whole way. Should have put my iPod on, but didn't think to do that. Landed in Portland. Walked outside and waited for Jen. And waited. She called...

What are you wearing? A purple scarf. Are you standing behind a pole? No. Wait, I'm downstairs, are you upstairs? Oops. Situation was remedied and I hopped in. Hungry. We stopped at a McDonald's. I know - sacrilege! - but I was hungry and we had a kid in the backseat that needed to get home for his own lunch. Came to Jen's. I ate my burger and fries as Gavin ate his summer squash followed by apple-blueberry.

Then it was naptime. Jen and I stayed awake and discussed various comical stories that have happened to us recently. Then he woke up. Playtime.

And before anyone starts to wonder - yes, I played with Gavin. I was making faces, tickling his stomach, etc. Try to imagine me doing this, because there will be no hard evidence in the form of a photo. It was fun until he started with his "motorboat". A combination of spitting and making fart noises with the mouth.... You know, the whole sticking your tongue out and letting air pass through in an undignified manner thing. I wasn't down with that. Babies are gross. End of story.

Went to pick up Chris at work. Came back and made a grocery list. I plan to cook on Thursday, so we needed supplies for that. Plus, the general weekly shop. Came back, ate. Gavin had his dinner, then a bath, then bedtime. We stayed up and watched old episodes of "Dirty Jobs". Jen and Chris went to bed. I stayed up and watched the "Bachelorette" finale. OMG! Soap opera anyone? It's completely fake!!!

I passed out listening to "The Cardigans" and reading the remainder of my Rolling Stone.

Now, it's Tuesday. Update tomorrow. :)

I wrote this last Friday...

2008-07-03T17:15:00.000-07:00

I was witness to the ebb and flow of water. A stream of power etching out a pathway of its own. The hot cement underneath acting as the water's feet. Propelling it further. The head of the downward flow, as if it had a thousand eyes, peering out and watching for the best path. Bobbing to and fro, swinging wildly left and right. Always faster than the human eye can catch. Parts of leaves becoming riders of the wave. The sun glints off the water's surface and my eyes sparkle with a newness of faith. Faith in the strength of quick movement. Like fast blood running through my veins. My heart beats slightly faster.

Some water breaks away from the main flow and branches out to find its own destination. As if it were yearning for the journey. Knowing that the unknown was never secret, but rather a part of the water. As soon as the sewer is reached, the flow subtly slows. The radical speed pacing itself now, down to a rhythmic heartbeat. The water created riverbanks, no actual walls to stop the water from spilling over all of the cement. Bubble-like and hovering, its edges maintain a border for this new-born flood. Now it stops my heart. The water's slowness no longer stoking the burning fire in my chest. I am an ember. Waiting for someone to come along and nourish my flame. Waiting for the coming tide to take me somewhere new.

The Comedown

2008-07-03T12:05:00.001-07:00

There is a running in my middle
A rampant current, flowing madly
My expected tearful release is not present
Rather a quickening pulse
And inability to sit still

I fidget, ever-growing jitters
Consuming the edges of me
Hands and feet dancing their own rhythm
Blinking eyes see nothing but
What I can't have right now

This is my comedown
A detox from you and your liquid voice
I made my rules and intend to keep them
But it's so hard to stay in line
If your heart knows not what to do

Anything I do now, in this moment
Of self-imposed insanity
Would never assuage this itch I have
Not even if I tried to explain myself
To you and your unseeing eyes

Distance makes the friendship grow fonder

2008-07-02T12:54:00.001-07:00

This weekend is July 4th. I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing. Alexei's birthday party is this Saturday, so I must show up and have fun. Marie and Sarah are going to see The Red Elvis' the same night. I wish I could go, but the birthday party is cheaper. Other than that (and putting my newly trained host family recruitment self into action), I don't have any plans. I should fix that sooner rather than later.

M and I aren't talking at work right now. We both need a LOT of space. I thought I could handle the space we had already, but M was like: "WOAH! You are all up in my business!" I wasn't trying to be, but he's a dude. Meh. Different definitions of friendship. He was trying not to be an asshole and/or dick by telling me "Liz? We just got out of something very intense and strange. Go away for a bit." And how can you say "leave me alone" without sounding like an ass? Not too many ways to do that. So, I thank him for trying to not be a dick, but in the end - the message of "leave me alone" wasn't as clear as it could be.

Shrug. Whatcha gonna do? I overreacted and was girly, but then realized he was trying to be nice while feeling really pissed off at me. Rock. Hard place. Girly emotions went into that place of epiphany. Thank God I did realize what he was trying to tell me. Otherwise, I might have let it sit and simmer and we might not end up in a good place.

Hopefully, by giving each other space, we can end up in that good place. Not sure what the good place will entail.... Maybe hugs. Maybe beer. Maybe just quick hello's on weekends. Whatever it is, I want that good normal feeling. I don't want to feel like I'm walking on eggshells and can't say shit around him.

Me? I'm using this newly found distance to work on my writing!!!

Marie wants to write a book about her childhood. I'm ghostwriting/editing. I think it could be really great for both of us. She's had a really interesting life and her story could help a lot of people I'm sure. One of those "you're not alone" books. We're not shooting for Oprah's Book Club or anything. But... catharsis here we come.

This is all very new for me - this situation with M. Not only am I learning, I'm hopefully establishing groundwork for a good friendship. And that's never a bad thing. :)

Misstep

2008-06-30T13:12:00.001-07:00

We are two tin cans
Strung along a tenuous line
Reverberations creating tension
Until we pull tight
And relieve the miscommunication

Inside my head
This tinny sound is aching
Awaiting the renewed sound
Of your smooth voice
The thing that melts me

Awash with waves of uncertainty
I reel from the lack
Of your tight embrace
Willing a new taught string
To rise up in the old one's place

And once again,
We can speak out loud
And honestly

Oops

2008-06-28T16:28:00.001-07:00

I did a really stupid thing. Regardless of what it was, I'm sure anyone can relate to the following...

It's really hard to not talk to the person involved. My immediate reaction is to call him and resolve it all through talking. But I can't do that. And that's the most difficult thing I'm going to do in the near future. He did leave the door open - we will eventually talk about it. I need to remember that. But this is my test. If I am a good friend, I will respect his privacy and his space. I will show him that I can do this. Even if it doesn't work out, I'll know that I did my best. I think it will work out. I think I'm a good friend going through some strange transition in my life that causes neurotic behavior. I think he's a good friend going through professional and personal stress as well that causes the desire to retreat.

I'm hoping for the best, preparing for the worst. I'm hoping he sees that I'm not myself lately and that our friendship is new and atypical and odd sometimes. I'm preparing for the fact that he can't take on that type of friendship and will tell me we can't be friends anymore. It'll hurt if that's true. But I'll live. I always do.

French Fries, Tamale Lady, and the Shoebox

2008-06-25T13:58:00.000-07:00

I just ate some very delicious potato derivatives with salt. Yes, they were mass produced and sold to me by Mexicans at my office location's local Micky D's. French fries have a strange hold over me whenever I eat them. I see to fall into a deep coma, not unlike regular food coma, but with French Fries.... colors become brighter and sounds become muted. The world goes out of whack for a time until my brain can adjust itself to the potato intake. It's like I'm about to pass out, but better. I'm drinking a chocolate milkshake, which should offset the coma crisis. The sugary thickness often lends my brain a helping hand. Alas, I am far too tired. And thusly, the milkshake has been corrupted.

Yes. Damn. I've been bamboozled into thinking I was going to be productive today.

I was very productive last night however. M and I went to ZG and celebrated the Tamale Lady's 50th birthday. You don't know who the Tamale Lady is? Well, she's only the most loving cook the Mission has ever known. She hand makes tamales every day and sells them at night. Her motto? "I don't know you but I love you. So, have a beer, maybe a little weed, but NO CHEMICALS!" Best story I've heard of her yet? There was a drunk girl who needed to go to the hospital for alcohol poisoning and the Tamale Lady force fed her a tamale before the paramedics got there. The doctors said if the girl hadn't had that tamale, she might have died. That one tamale gave her system enough to get her through it.

There was a band and a projector playing a little film about her. The film was full of people praising her tamales and some music written specifically for her by local bands and artists. It was a great present. They had a special for $10 - all you could drink from 4 kegs of Speakeasy and some chicken mole. Well, the mole wasn't spectacular, so I got a burger instead. But man - Liz got herself a little twisted on the Speakeasy. In a good way.

M and I fell into a bad habit routine of following each other home. It was late and we would have both needed a taxi anyway. He just kinda... shared the cab with me all the way home. Oops. It was definitely an oops, since we're doing the friend thing now. Not an oops either of us has to think of in regards to our friendship. We're OK. But there were ramifications on other fronts this morning. Aftermath. It always sounded horrible, mostly because of the word "math".

I care about the aftermath because M is my friend. I want him to be happy. Even if I felt kinda hurt when he was making out with some other girl at ZG before we left. It was a strange situation. She was sitting at our table with her friends - she was turning 21 - and she was fucking cool. Dude, she was cool because she thought we were cool. Yeah, M was in kissy mode, so there was kissing. First emotion. Wow, that looks kinda hot. Second emotion. I want to kiss him. Third emotion. I feel guilty for even feeling like I get to covet him.

In the end, homegirl could read my face like it was written in big ass children's book font. She backed off - not that that's what I wanted completely - but I did feel better when she left with her friends and he left with me. Granted, he was making eyes at me too and if I had been in the mood for it, I'm sure a threesome woulda gone down. Now that's a birthday present.

Baby steps. First, see him kissing someone else before you end up feeling better by being the one in bed with him. Later, see him kissing someone else and end up letting him go home with her. There are some baby steps in between there.

I was very happy he decided to let me in on his aftermath though. It felt like normal friend stuff. Eventually, if he gives me more of that, further "oops" situations can be avoided. I'll start to feel like I'm getting the other side of him. Before, I wasn't getting any of that friend conversation, so I was needing affection and sex to compensate. That was my way to show him I was there for him and he was wanted/needed/cared for etc. I think we're heading towards the other side of things.

And although I think there will always be a certain amount of sexual tension, we can get through it. I just want him to be happy. The intentions are there already. We just have to put it into practice.

Life is random, but I know for damn sure that my friends are my family.

Good thing I've got something new to look forward to tomorrow! Hip Hop dance class at Shoebox Studio in SOMA. Rae said she'd come with me. We'll see if this is the first step to getting back into dance. It was a huge part of my life. It seems like a long time ago that it was in my life - but in reality, it never left. I just stopped acknowledging its presence. Bad Liz. And good Liz for allowing it back in now.

Not Mine Anymore

2008-06-24T14:11:00.001-07:00

Everything now is just a tease
The way you walk
The scent that follows you
Stringing myself along
I'll end up with a fluttering heart
A stuttering that won't be relieved
That permanent blush,
Eluding me as the brass ring of love

And then you smile
Embrace my worries
I melt and all the burning with it
Watching for the calming effect
Awaiting me at every turn
I breathe

My very own warped tour

2008-06-17T09:44:00.000-07:00

It was hot and now it's not so hot. And tonight. Kickball.

Saturday wasn't a great night, but one thing did happen that got me thinking. Something effected me. Big time. 'Twas highly philosophical, regarding self-identity and the desire for homogeny, or your lack thereof. Apparently, as individuals, that which is different to us, in intriguing. That which is the same is comforting, which is why couples usually have to be personality-compatible in order to last a long time. But the intriguing exotic.... That's what fires us up. And we're not talking sexuality specifically. (We were at a gay bar discussing this with a flaming homo.) No, this was about life goals, personal habits, personality quirks, cultural heritage, etc.

My question was slightly devil's advocate:

What if homogeny intrigues you?

Gay boy's response:

Then you obviously don't know yourself as well as you thought. If you know who you are as a person, then you'd be able to identify between what is the same and what is different.

Hmmmm.... Liz's overanalytical brain was in overdrive Sunday due to this comment. I won't get into what was going on inside my head. Mostly because it's far too difficult to put into words that someone other than myself would understand. But you can see how that might put me in a tizzy. I've been a bit insecure since my MA exams last spring. And if I believed in therapy for this kind of crisis, I'm sure we could trace back my feelings of inadequacy and insecurity to when I started the MA program back in 2005.

Needless to say, my brain got warped by a philosophical flamer. M called him an asshat. For my sanity at the moment, I agree. But in the long run, I do need to work through some stuff. Maybe start to rebuild myself.

In the meantime, I plan on kicking some ass by kicking a ball. I also plan on being a better friend to everyone I know. And possibly also writing more. I'm sure I'll turn out just fine when I grow up.

The Fog

2008-06-17T09:25:00.001-07:00

Bouncing, drifting, wandering off
In my mind, in my naivete
Something catches itself
On a breath of fresh air
And the world starts to smell
Of dewy tension

It's this low hanging
Misty fog, a blanket of haze
Distorting my view
Resurrecting my imagination

Wispy white extending towards
The crisp dark blue of the ocean
A borderless horizon mocking my desire
For parallels and sharp shapes

I wait
For that cold, singular feeling
To fade away
As the fog creeps quickly,
Coveting my urban landscape
Allowing no room for anything
But submission

Lucky Friday the 13th

2008-06-13T18:23:00.000-07:00

It's Friday the 13th, so I won't be trying to have any fun tonight. I'm horrible at tempting fate. I'd rather have the good karma sneak up and surprise me in the end. And I know the fates are waiting to be tempted because today is the first cold day of a really hot week. It's been foggy ALL day. And when I say hot, I mean uncomfortably hot. Like in the 90s or so. No fog or wind in sight.

No wonder fires are breaking out all over the Bay Area... Bad business that.

I'd rather sit at home and write about how I feel. I think the people in my life appreciate me. Not too many of them are telling me how much they do appreciate me. My boss thinks I'm cool. This is a good thing. Getting praise from your boss is WAY awesome. Rae and Lindsay are very much into complimenting me. They both have giving personalities. I mean, Lindsay's studying to be an aesthetician. Free facials people!!

M was a doll to me during my birthday week. And now I'm being the emotionally available friend he needs. He's got some serious financial and professional situations to deal with. I can't relate to them at all, so I'm just listening. Well, I can relate to how he's feeling. I have no advice for him, nor do I plan to put in my two cents other than "I hear that" and "Tell me 'bout it". Of course, I tailor those types of answers for what he's saying at the time. And I mean them sincerely. Even if they might sound like typical call-and-answer baptist sermon type stuff.... But I'm being there for him. However I can be. I just hope he sees that I'm being there for him.

I think I'm a lucky girl. I've got a lot of things in my life that are really positive. You're probably scratching your head right now and asking yourself: Where is the cynical Liz that we love? No worries, she's still here. She's just smiling at the moment.

"I wanna take a minute or two, and give much respect due"

2008-06-11T15:25:00.000-07:00

It is fucking hot outside right now. I'm slightly grateful I get to sit inside in an air-conditioned office. But then again, that's how people get sick! I really can't get sick again. My immune system is shot already and I know for a fact, that if I get sick again, I'll never get out of this demonic cycle I'm currently trying to overcome.

In other news, M has been a severe sweetheart lately. For my birthday week and just in general, he's a good friend. And, believe it or not, he's one of those people who can put me in my place without A) hurting my feelings or B) sounding like he's a know-it-all. That's my job mostly because I'm tactless. And I word vomit. Often.

Like today at lunch, ordered some yummy tacos and I guess me and the cashier didn't really communicate well because my order came up as two chicken tacos instead of three. I checked my receipt and - oops - it says two chicken tacos. But I distinctly remember holding up three fingers... Ponder- and whatever-tasticness while waiting for blood sugar to regain authority is not a suggested attitude to have when the staff are being actually kinda helpful.

M's words: Yeah, just deal with it next time. Especially when they're being cool about it all.

Direct, to-the-point, not digging at me personally. I had a moment of somewhat clarity. And I say somewhat because my blood sugar still wasn't quite up-to-par. Is that what it feels like when someone puts you in your place in a constructive way? Dude, he's so patient and helpful. I can't stand it, but love it at the same time.

There were some rice and beans on the side, even though I hadn't paid for them. I tipped. I'd say we're even. And next time, I will deal with it. I can't have M being all "save Liz because she's helpless" because as patient as he is now... Yeah... I don't plan on waiting to see if there's a breaking point. I'll try to be WAY more self-sufficient.

Except in bed. Fuck that, he can worship me and cater to my every whim in bed. Because well... he's fucking good at it. And that shit's addicting. I don't think I've ever had so much orgasmic fun in bed with anyone else in my entire sexual life.

I do need to be an awesome friend back to him because he's got some rough shit in his life. The ex, his living situation, his job, his financial situation. Yeah. I'd say he deserves a lot of lovin'. Peace of mind and a good night's rest coming up with a side of crack-his-shit-up.

Hopefully

2008-06-10T11:32:00.001-07:00

I cry, I smile
Indifference seems to melt away
That thumping place inside my chest
Warming to your touch
You scare yourself
And pull away, fingers and all
Blurring into the horizon
Quickly gone as you quickly came
I am bereft
I cry, I smile
I had time with you and your eyes
The comforting embrace
A breath of fresh air
And we laughed together
At each other, the little things
This is us at our highest peak
I cry, I smile
As I look down from atop a crest
The waves punishing my body
I'm beat up, my heart is bruised
My hand holds out hope
That yours will find it in the swell of things

Distance

2008-06-08T13:16:00.001-07:00

I have to be there for you
By not being there
By not speaking to you
Trying to resist the urge to look
At your face
To be able to read
The smallest inclination of a smile

I have to be there for you
But it's so not my style
To let you push me away
Even if only for a moment
Before you can build up your armor
And come back into the fight

I have to be there for you
To make it fair between us
For your easy way of saying hello
And making sure I'm alright
For the closeness of your hugs
The sense of relief there within

I have to be there for you
Since you were there for me

But I'm not there for you
As I would have wanted to be
You don't experience the warmth
In my eyes and my hand
A reassuring smile, the drop of a kiss

I am your safehouse
If you would only let me be

Happy Birthday Mom!

2008-06-07T17:40:00.001-07:00

My mother is now 61 years old and she is still by far the coolest mom I know! She's turned into a best friend and I feel extremely lucky to have her in my life. I love you Mom!

Slow Burn

2008-06-05T11:24:00.001-07:00

My heart isn't beating, according to plan
I cherish the days gone by
When thud one and thud two
Closely followed each other
Now there is a great expanse between
The thudding and the breath I take

Breathe in, breathe out,
And always stay just slightly left
Of center
My heart isn't beating, according to my mind
It's supposed to be logical, isn't it?

I think back on those boring days
Of lazing on the couch, drinking tea
Alone and content in my single thoughts
Never wondering about other people

My heart isn't beating
It's slowly fading into the ocean
Seeping out, like slow blood loss
No wonder I've felt so dizzy, so light
It feels like I'm floating

Hovering slightly above the water
I watch the stars burn out
Dimming themselves for the sake of the moon

My heart isn't beating
It's burning

Last Night

2008-06-05T10:26:00.000-07:00

There's confusion. There's frustration. And then... there's where I am. Somewhere in between. I'm confused by how I feel. I'm frustrated that I'm confused. And the rest of me just lets it all go. Sometimes my heart beats so faintly, yet so strong. Every thump against my chest is another reminder that I'm only human. I can't move mountains. And why would I want to? They're much bigger than me and they're heavy. Yet we try to move mountains. Every day. And where does it get us? Just one step closer to breaking our backs.

One thing I won't stand for is my heart being broken. I'll probably be kneeling or lying down or curled up in a ball. There was a moment last night, when my heart was beating faster. And a shiver of heat went up my spine, as I realized that I felt something. I felt like I couldn't let go of whatever was inside me. It's not fair that I felt that way. Because it wasn't just about me. It was a selfish feeling that involved someone else's feelings too. It felt selfish and wrong. But it was also something I didn't see coming. Then, I felt guilty for having felt that way. And that confused me more than ever.

I shouldn't feel guilty about my emotions. And especially when that other person can read me so well.... He reads me like an open book with really big font. I should be grateful that he aired on the side of gentleness and care. I was feeling taken care of, at the same time I was feeling guilty. He could get in trouble for letting me stay the night. And yet...

When is anything uncomplicated? When do someone else's emotions matter more than my own?

I like him. And I want to spend time with him. Why is that so hard to say out loud? Why is that so difficult to let go of? I'm not sure I could let go of his smell, his eyes, his kiss. It's so easy when I'm around him. I bury my forehead into his shoulder, as he drops a kiss on the back of my neck. He's this solid something I can hold onto, which is helpful since I seem to be spinning out into frustration and confusion. The affection he gives is saving me from a wealth of.... something I'm afraid to feel.

Everything we do with our hearts is a risk. My pounding heart must be the adrenalin pumping through my body. This extreme emotion of being afraid to lose something and the anticipation of the inevitable. My heart lives somewhere in between the two.

In Between

2008-06-03T14:06:00.001-07:00

I'm looking up at a swinging light bulb
No other filament around to show me a pathway
Like Alice as she cowers in the darkness
Any hint of a song or colorful beam
And I'm running towards it, recklessly

Only, the pathway has so many bends
Curving sharply out of my sight
Rounding the corner to find myself lost again
Where I've been felt good and easy
Where I'm going feels fleeting

This is somewhere in between
Along the path that leads to nowhere
I'm missing something in translation
My words hastening to my lips
But unable to produce a sound

I'm stuck...

More Birthday Extravaganza!!

2008-06-01T22:34:00.000-07:00

My computer restarted without telling me due to some fucking important updates, which I know nothing about. Therefore my really awesome post including last night's party photos are not being posted.

Instead of redoing everything, I'm going to bed soon and you can be proactive:

http://flickr.com/photos/aliascrazy

You're welcome....

Birthday Extravaganza!

2008-06-01T21:24:00.001-07:00

A few choice shots from my friends and co-workers taking me out to Kate's (2nd and Howard) on Thursday - my actual day of birth.

Tease

2008-05-28T14:08:00.001-07:00

A soft, warm breath on the nape of my neck
Hairs stand at attention like compliant soldiers
My skin anticipates the presence of your body
Against my now slowly arching spine

I daydream that we steal away
To a quiet, dark corner where nobody can see
Our dizzying heat filtering through the air
Swallowing moans that might escape our throats

And yet you remain, but an arm's reach away
Sensing the tension humming between us
With every look and grin
Another part of me melts into an opaque heaven

Damn you and your liquid voice
Your brazen gait and knowing eyes
Damn me and my wanton ways
My obvious itch and desire to smolder

Tuck in the Tag on his "Save The Whales" T-Shirt

2008-05-28T10:22:00.000-07:00

I knew I would fall in love with Becky. From the first moment we met, when she swore in her nasaly no-bullshit tone of voice, I knew there would come a day when I would fall madly in love with her. That day was yesterday.

Becky was the one to invite me to see Flight of the Conchords. She and I went with Alexei and Ian, two more of my friends whom I love dearly. We ate dinner at Elephant and Castle (Clay and Battery) before taking the 1 bus up the hill to the Masonic Center. Becky and Ian walked in, sat down, and harumphed. Oh dear. Becky said she had done something profoundly stupid, which turned out to be not so profound. It was a foot-in-mouth situation on her part, which she timely retracted. But then, he hadn't called back, so she started to fret.

Lord knows how I've been there before, so I was determined to see her smile.

All three of us assured her she was not profoundly idiotic. A few bites of steak crostini and some deep lion breaths later, Becky was feeling like her ol' self. We then stumbled across Jesse and Devora while waiting for the bus. Giant Jesse hugs always make me feel lighter and more at ease. Grin.

As we found our seats (after taking a girl trip to the restrooms), Becky gave Alexei an arm massage. Poor Alexei was in need of some preventative carpal tunnel action. My eyes got big and slightly envious, which Becky duly noted. I then moved over to sit by her and she gave me the most wondrous back massage. Sigh. Love. Thud goes my heart. During the massage, I do believe there were unicorns dancing on the ceiling amidst rainbow meadows of wild flowers. That could have also been my hormones running rampant because I forgot to take my pills this weekend, but I don't really care. Heaven.

The show was amazing!!! They played all the songs I wanted them to - The Humans are Dead, Fa Du Fa Fa (or however it's spelled), It's Business Time, Boom Boom, etc. And right before they played Think About It, which is their song about the issues, they did this bit about saving the whales.

It's an issue. Granted, not AIDS or poverty, but close enough. Germaine said they could save themselves if they just knew how to use a cell phone. But then, how would they use it. And then there was a moment of pure delight, as both Brit and Germaine provided "flippers" (read: arms) stemming from their chests. Brit said they'd have to flip the phone between the two flippers to dial 911. But then, really, they'd have a tough time asking for help.

Hello. 911.
(loud whale speak a la Dory from "Finding Nemo")
Um... I'm afraid you'll have to text us back.

So now, the whales are texting. Sigh. It just kept going and it was brilliant.

On top of this, a few women kept yelling to Brit to "have their babies". Yeah. Not really appropriate, but I did like the audience-originated comment about the "sexy lighting". They riffed on that one all night, asking the light guys to "sex it up" and "take away that sexy white light". Yes, last night was positively awesome. And I went to bed feeling completely exhausted and utterly giggly inside.

Upon waking up, my eyes were dysfunctional. Hot shower needed. Commencing with the wake up procedure. Still not entirely functional, but better. On the MUNI, I sat next to a guy whose tag was sticking straight up. Like a white flag sticking out of the World War I trenches in rural France. I had the superbly powerful urge to reach over and tuck that tag in. But I resisted, as it was the morning commute and people generally don't talk to each other then, let alone fondle each other's shirt tags.

But let me warn my fellow MUNI passengers... I will not resist the urge in the future. Your tags will be tucked in. And you will be grateful.

...and then some...

2008-05-26T18:58:00.000-07:00

I have a new camera! A somewhat expensive one, but it's worth it to have a steady, workable digital camera. Thank you Mom and Dad - birthday present for this year! :)

Mom also got a digital camera - her first one! She's extremely low tech unfortunately. I mean, I completely want to learn to write shorthand and she can teach me. How cool is that?! But yeah, low tech to say the least. Hers is a bright pink Samsung, mine is a aubergine (not brown!) Canon. Canon thinks it's brown, but it's not. It's aubergine. And if you don't know what color that is, eat an eggplant. From Europe. They taste better. I don't know why. But it's true.

Watched a really funny movie with the parents this weekend too. "Death at a Funeral" by Frank Oz. I mean, it's Frank Oz! You know it's going to be hysterical, but this one was a knee-slapper. Dad dies, funeral at home, chaos ensues. You've got all the right characters: cousin studying pharmacy is actually dealing drugs legally, his rebellious sister marrying a guy her father dislikes, that fiance accidentally taking the "valium" her brother left on the counter and tripping out the whole day, two brothers finding out their dead dad had a midget gay lover, neurotic and sweaty friend having to deal with wheelchair-bound Uncle Alfie on the toilet, neurotic's friend trying to hit on rebellious girl while she's dealing with strung-out fiance....

Oh yeah. It's awesome. I'm so buying it. And I highly recommend it. You'll recognize some people. Main guy is Darcy from Joe Wright's "Pride and Prejudice", also of BBC "MI-5" fame. Pharmacy guy is the Brit who goes to Wisconsin to bang some Americans in "Love Actually". Midget is Peter Dinklage, who is just...genius. Strung-out guy has been in a few things. The only thing I can remember him in (at the moment, because I'm sure it'll come to me after I've posted this) is as Heath Ledger's whiny stable hand in "A Knight's Tale". No, not tall, lanky, lovely, Paul Bettany - the other blond one. The women are not well-known to Americans, but damn funny too. And I'm sure the elder brother with the long hair has been in something I've seen, but I can't put my finger on it.

Tomorrow is FLIGHT OF THE CONCHORDS! Yes, I had to yell it in that type because they are fucking amazing and I get to see them. HA! I will be laughing my ass off with Becky, Ian, and Alexei. Three of my most chuckley friends.

Tomorrow is also the day when Kevin, the surfer, arrives. He's here for the Google I/O convention. Two whole days of developers' wetdreams. Sponsored by Google, which many geeks call Mecca. Hopefully, he won't be too put-off that I'll be at the Masonic giggling the night away, as he settles in. But that's what roommates are for. :) And his own set of keys. Thankfully, he's passed the stalker-psycho-killer test. And when I meet him tomorrow at lunchtime, he'll have to pass the Liz litmus as well, which is very reliant on vibes.

Miira got back from her week and long weekend in Santa Barbara. She was volunteering for the Lightning in a Bottle festival. Apparently, it was a bit hippie for her. A room where you get one hug for every two compliments. Jesse would like that. And another room of consciousness, where you could speak about fear and darkness and truth. Matt would like that. And, of course, Miira has a crush on someone. (And she scolds me for being friends with Mi... eyebrow...) He's a great kisser, but broke up with his ex in December. Well, girlfriend was there too, which was the first time they had seen each other since the break-up. Bad deal for Miira - even if the guy doesn't live around here and she should be thinking about her guy in Germany.

Wow, I had a lot to write. Thank goodness you had ears to listen. Well.. eyes anyway. Until next time.

Faint

2008-05-23T11:18:00.001-07:00

Shoulders cold, goosebumped skin
While a torrent of heat waves
Ebb and flow inside my head
Fingers as strangers to my body
Numbness sets in, melting my muscles
The darkness comes
From the peripheral, tiny dots
Washing away my sense of space
I have no legs, I have no arms
My breath is somewhere in between
Seems like eternal sleep
Seems good and right, but

Then there is a hand to guide me
Soothing and reviving
Searching eyes that look for signs
Of reaction to that friendly hand
Bright dots of light
Filtering into blinding
Fresh air waking up the memory
Skin aglow with sweat and relief

The feeling is there
It's a surge of electricity
Drowning out the sound in my ears
It's fluttering around my heart
My sway, not only that of fainting
This unstable, wobbly stance
I wish you could see
Every drop of grateful energy
Seeping, flowing out of me
Into the depths of your patient embrace

Faint

2008-05-23T11:01:00.001-07:00

Power Outage

2008-05-21T15:16:00.000-07:00

This phrase could be used to describe what's happening at 4pm today in the office.

Or it could be used to describe what's happening to my body. I feel like I need to find my reset button. That viral infection from way back when? Yeah, not-so way back when, if you catch my drift. I'm so tired today, even though I got nine hours of sleep. And no - I did not sleep too much. I don't agree with that statement unless it's something like eleven or twelve hours of sleep at one go. Because believe me when I say that biologically, humans were never meant to stay awake for more than 13 hours.

Sorry if I'm getting a bit bitchy, but the lack of real rest is growing on me. I was sickly over the weekend and am only just getting over the nose dripping.

The good news is I finished my paper and it kicks ass. The better news was that Mi talked online with me for nearly ten hours (on and off), which totally helped me write my paper. We were vibing (as he said) and bonding (weird but good) and just generally.... being good friends to each other. I like it.

In My Dreams

2008-05-21T14:53:00.001-07:00

An exotic perfume hangs heavy over your head
The last thing you think about
As you drift towards me
The vapors swirling madly in your wake
Dying spirals and a drop in my stomach

I stand across the room, waiting for novelty
Vicious desperation masked by indifference
Smoky anticipation of a fleeting moment, yet to come
Like an invisible thumb wishing to rule me
Quickening breath and tense muscles

Eyes catch each other
As my body melts into a languid haze
First touch becomes fast blood within my veins
This humid embrace, exhausting at every inhale
Every exhale a step closer to release

Now I define myself by your warmth
Longing, yearning to feel something more
Waking up to childish frustration

Sneeze

2008-05-18T18:18:00.001-07:00

An explosion from within
This nasty sound of disease
Dis-ease
Created by infectious warriors
Invading my body
Circulating, conquering
Making me wish for rest
The knife can be driven deeper

this is growing up

2008-05-16T13:59:00.000-07:00

Although, I'd much rather grow out, like the long and leafy arm of the vine. I'd much rather sit and enjoy the company of myself, without needing someone else's approval. I'd much rather not feel this erratic beating of my heart, but it stays within me. It stays and thuds, immensely loud and deep. Thud. Thud. Thud.

I wish I could count on my heart to beat out the rhythm of my life. Yet its chaotic drumming detracts from the things that I should see. I should want to see the ocean. I'll listen to the calm crashing of the waves. I'll imagine the foamy mists taking shape and color, surrounding me in the warmth. I should want to see the redwoods. The heady scent of aged bark swirling in and out of my consciousness. I'll close my eyes and start to simply feel the sunlight trickling through the canopy.

Yet, I might see a number of things without being seen. This is the growing up that someone else talked about; when I thought the process had started, even though I was too young. This is that feeling of not knowing where the beginning and the end may lie. The seeping in of something new and slightly more than we bargained for. It has taken me and kept my feet off the ground, in suspension; riding the hurricane for as long as the wind lives.

Blümchen

2008-05-15T16:59:00.001-07:00

Somewhere in between the clashing colors
I find a simple purple flower
Its clean scent sweetly wafting through my head

Nothing else can take this moment away
Of knowing that you'll stay
Another day, another night
That I'm not alone

The haze of crazy hangs low in the room
A palpable dread
And you, this shining silhouette
Attracting me, distracting me from all else

I want to water this moment
So that it never dies
And keep you in a vase by the door

I hear the ticking of the bomb

2008-05-12T16:51:00.000-07:00

The swollen glands are back and I am feeling run down all over again. Fuck.

I took a tiny ten-minute nap at work this morning, even after drinking my black tea, which usually wakes me up. Times ten. I couldn't finish my lunch. Another tell-tale sign. Did I say fuck already?

I have literally no extra time to fuck around or get sick. I have a deadline for my project and it's approaching awfully fast. I am, therefore, anti-social. Which I abhor. Greatly.

This weekend is also full of YFU activities, which I will probably be unable to do. Well, Saturday is essential because I'm the only person who will be at the orientation who knows what they're doing. Sunday, however, we'll have to see. I guess this week will be crucial.

And a certain someone, who is totally not talking to me outside of work, is really getting on my nerves. We're friends. We get along. And yet it's awkward talking to him at work, probably because he feels uncomfortable talking to me at work. I roll my eyes at you Mi. Big time.

I cannot break down. I will get my shit done. I will not snap at Mi.

The Weekend

2008-05-11T23:39:00.001-07:00

Three whole days of not saying hello
Not seeing your eyes dance with irony
Not hearing your voice

That soft, low voice
Dripping with gravity and density

Three whole days of the rest of my life
Other friends who satisfy my needs
Of going out and laughing
Of drinking and flirting
Of talking about our thoughts and ideas

I wonder what you do
On the other side of the city
If it's as fun as what we have together
If there was someone else
Who made you forget me

Even if just for a moment
You forgot me and my smile
And only wanted to kiss her lips

I guess I'll never know
What you do without me
Because you only give me friendly looks
You only give me
Something you think you can handle

When actually you can handle me
And all my intricacies
The minor perfections and golden quirks
And if you were to gaze a bit more deeply
You'd see that I see you
I'm just as scared as you are

Thank You Rae

2008-05-09T14:41:00.000-07:00

I need to stop worrying abut Mi. Rae and I were out last night, drinking too much for either of our own good. At first, I wasn't sure I wanted to hang out and drink. But apparently, I did. Innocent was there too, and Jannes joined us later on. Innocent was flirting with me. He gave me a giant bear hug that totally cracked my back. In the good way.

When I told Rae that I was in a good place with Mi and that I'm starting to be OK with the open casual thing, she reminded me of something very important. Rae has been so awesome to me lately. She told me that no matter what, he needs to know just how lucky he is to be with me. I shouldn't only think that I'm the lucky one to be with him. I know myself well enough to see that I do that. I start to think of how I can bend. That's usually why it never works out in a romantic sense. I'm always the friend.

I like that I'm flexible. I like that I'm tolerant. I like that I'm the friend. But every now and then, I think... Where does it get me? I don't demand. I'm not high maintanance. If I don't ask for something, I don't get it.

Rae reminds me to be me. That awesomely cool person, who got Mi to notice her in the first place.

I Remember...

2008-05-09T13:26:00.001-07:00

You let me give you a massage
Something that only professionals do
The slow, strong repetition of my hands
Fingers pressing into supple skin
Finding your relief in every breath

Your encouraging comments
While playing video games and lying in bed
The comfort of your voice, patient
In its familiarity of my quirks
Imperfections I let you see

You make my head feel like marshmallow
Sweetly candied thoughts playing tag
To and fro, the memory of laughter

My skin tingles remembering your lips
Deftly rendering me speechless

It is this that ultimately makes me weak
The reminders, the memories that niggle at my mind
A hypnotic state of being
Relishing the fact that I can call upon you
Anytime I wish

Call Me Bumble

2008-05-07T10:11:00.001-07:00

I feel it now
This tugging downwards
Heavy chest and slow of breath
A constant skipping
In my heart

My eyes blur and bleed
The images surrounding me
This haze a welcome guest
Happy to become
Abiding and constant

Around you I am abuzz
A complete sense of
Being the live wire
Which attracts you to touch it
Every now and then

Being the water
That gives you relief

Being the arms
That circle your doubts
With warmth

Stress Hangover

2008-05-05T14:01:00.001-07:00

There is a heat, rising
Up to the back of my eyes
Radiating out through my forehead
Into my immediate atmosphere

Like little comets, threatening
Devious in their orbit
Their fiery light searing my eyes
Not allowing me to eat or drink

I wait for my sanity to return
As close to the edge as I am
I am calm, for I know that it won't be long
Before a soft pillow soothes me

"mama, just killed a man..."

2008-05-05T13:41:00.000-07:00

After a weekend of many ups and downs, I think I've hit the bottom of the barrel. I realized I am still not over failing my MA exam. Since that experience, I've had an incredible fear of failure - even if I always put expectations on myself to succeed, it's gotten worse in the last six months.

I now have less than two weeks to completely finish my independent study project. It's bringing back all those feelings of insecurity and failure from both last May and December. Not to mention the fact that I've been pushing myself socially lately, which has taken a toll on my body physically. You don't get mono-like viral infections if you've been a good-girl homebody, right?

Not that I completely regret all my social tendencies lately. Mi has certainly been a plus. Although, I have to admit I need to watch myself. I do not want him to become my downward spiral.

Last night was definitely not my best night, especially with him. I've made some mistakes, but not to the effect that I've ruined whatever it is we are at the moment. At least I hope not. I hope we keep on that track of becoming good friends. I think he has the inkling that I need to take care of my shit right now. And that I might have just been having a bad run the last few days. He's a big boy and can understand when someone's having a rough time.

On top of all this, my iPod and camera were supposedly stolen last night at Kate's. So, yeah... I feel fantastic right now. And it really is up to me to fix everything. Fuck.

Waiting

2008-05-02T10:07:00.001-07:00

The cool wind breezes past my bare skin
My arms breaking out in goosebumps
As my cheeks flush in the chill,
My stomach drops, for I realize
The height of my suspension

These clouds below my feet
Have all the qualities of my heart
Moving quickly, ever changing shape
This rushing feeling in my chest
Never slowing its pace or flow

And I, the origin, sighing
For I put myself here at this height
Suspended above my world
Unable to see your eyes or smile
Unable to read what lies beneath

As I struggle to find the meaning, the words
The clouds seem further away, tinier
Until I reach that height
Where I can no longer breathe the air
And my mind leaps into survival mode

How can I come back down to you
If I can't seem to remember the earth
The muddled smell of people,
The sticky feel of the mud,
The slow curve of your hand on my hip,
Like fog blanketing quickly over the forested hills.

Waiting...

2008-05-02T09:49:00.000-07:00

First off, I'm feeling ten times better. The doctor said I did have a viral infection, but since I'm not taking three-hour naps every day - I figure the worst is over. Whew.

And a certain someone is back from vacation, so we'll see what happens over the weekend. Hopefully, something fun. ;)

Meanwhile, I have until the 15th of May (how many days left?!) to finish most of my independent study project. I have about one-third completed, so I need to kick it up a notch. My mind is really not in paper-writing mode, but it just has to get done. Period.

On Tuesday, the rest of the office (and I mean everyone except me and the receptionist) will be up in Napa on an off-site. They'll be up there, drinking wine and eating delicious food, laughing and socializing. Guess what I'll be doing? :) Yoga. Only for a hour out of the day, plus travel to and from - but hey, am I really supposed to be stuck in that office by myself all day?! I do and I don't like being bad..... Grin.

I feel like I'm in suspended mode. Like I'm waiting for.... something. I'm waiting to be done with this project. I'm waiting for someone to call. I'm waiting for my two weeks notice to be up. I'm waiting for this feeling of impatience to pass. I shouldn't be waiting. I should be making things happen.

The Other

2008-04-29T22:57:00.001-07:00

I remember feeling like liquid
My fingers and toes
The tips of a powerful swell
Crashing itself against the rocks
I never knew a subsiding calm
Only the undertow

The worry knot pulsates within me
Growing larger every time
If I look in his eyes
If I touch his cheek
If I hear him say my name

He’s starting to see
That which is the other
Deeply hidden, afraid of company
It secretly yearns to be seen
Yet with each step into the light
It shivers with cold
And covers itself with sandpaper

I didn't realize I was so boring...

2008-04-26T20:35:00.000-07:00

Yeah. I'm almost 90% positive I have mono. My tonsils got a little swollen on Wednesday and didn't go away by Thursday. I had a dream that Mi was sleeping next to me and then got repulsed by my giant, bulbous throat. Well, it's Saturday and they are still swollen. But it's not tonsilitis because I can still swallow without pain.

And honestly, it was fine yesterday to be stuck at home and sleeping because I was THAT tired and in need of rest. But tonight... god, I'm bored. I have my project to work on, but I can only cram so much info into my head. I downloaded Family Feud, but I can only look at a computer screen for so long. My fingers get tired of playing the guitar after a while. There's never anything good on TV and the new Netflix hasn't come yet.

As I was watching TV last night, I thought: Did I really used to do this all the time? Stay at home and be lazy?

Obviously, my body is telling me to slow down. But I could use some company.

....something about grilled cheese?

2008-04-23T15:17:00.000-07:00

It's very strange to be sitting here in the office and not have anything to do. Literally, I have no emails to respond to. I keep checking the inbound queue.... nothing.

So, I've got some precious time to do other things. Like blog. :)

Oddly enough, there's not much to say. Liz? Storyless? I know, but hell has frozen over today. I'm sure it'll heat back up again come evening. Actually, I'm hoping it will. Mi is going to see The Raconteurs tonight at Bimbo's. He said I should invite myself to the little beer/food shindig prior to that event (which I definitely don't have tickets to b/c they sold out weeks ago).

So, we shall see. Although, I did overhear that it is a group of people going to Kennedy's before the show. Not that I couldn't pull off the old "I go to Kennedy's all the time" routine. Which is partly true. I used to go way more often. Now, it's a little hard to get the girls together, since that's our spot.

Hmmmm....

And a P.S. - I had written Fern over in Thailand about when I should come and visit her later this year. Specifically the fall. She writes back: "I have a week off from May 5th to May 12th. Maybe you can come visit me then." Umm... nope. Pretty sure I don't have 1200 bucks to throw away on a week's vacation to Thailand. Oh teenagers. Sisters at that. Sigh.

Mellow Yellow and A Date

2008-04-20T14:21:00.000-07:00

Liz went on a date last night with Mi. Sigh. Happy Liz.

First, we had cocktails at 83. When we walked in it was pretty quiet. Maybe five or six people at the bar. He had me try a Manhattan. Still a strong drink, but definitely yummier than at Lulu's. And the cherries! Oh, the cherries! Three soaked-in-alcohol-for-years cherries.... And then it was a basil gimlet with blueberries! THAT was yummy.

Then, it was off to Sushi Groove. Some saba and unagi nigiri. Hot sake. Oddly enough, Mi recommended visiting the bathrooms there because they heat the porcelain with hot water. It was quite the experience. A warm toosh is a happy toosh.

From there, the night involved some illegal substances and a lot of fun.

Today, I am extremely mellow yellow due to Mi's presence this weekend. An entire weekend of him, fun, drinks, more fun, sushi.... you get the idea. I'm pretty sure I might become addicted to him. Oh dear. I kinda told him and he didn't seem to have a problem with that. Sigh.

What can I say, he makes me laugh! I can't very well say no to that, now can I?

Reset that ticker back to zero....

2008-04-18T08:27:00.000-07:00

...because I finally had some fun! ;)

Fun is so much fun! Such a tautology, but so effin' true.

Got done with 250 emails at work today - fuck yeah! Mom and I had already made plans to see a movie, so I met up with her and we ate at Osha's (Thai). Very yummy honey duck, Mom had scallops. She ate all of hers and some of mine since she hadn't had lunch. We saw "The Counterfeiters" at Embarcadero.

Now, I love Embarcadero because they have two kinds of Junior Mints: regular and frozen. Mmmm... frozen Junior Mints. The movie was excellent and I highly recommend it. Not a big surprise it won for Best Foreign Language Film at the Oscars this year. It is brilliant, with a fantastic performance by August Diehl. He's not the main character, but he stole every single scene. The writing was so good, the cinematography, etc. Just an all-around great film.

I had alluded to my plans earlier at work, but Mi seemed slightly bummed. So I invited myself over to Kate's after the movie finished. Mi and Leta were... buzzing. So I joined in! Two IPA's, three vodka watermelon shots, and a sip of Absinthe later... I found myself heavily flirting with Mi. Leta left for home. Hmmmm...

Let's just say... I've been smiling since then. Grin.

And that's all you're getting from me! Giggle.

Mira Plays Kickball

2008-04-16T12:40:00.000-07:00

So, the weekend was uneventful, except for the arrival of Mira! I'm very happy she's here, all the way from Berlin, Germany. She is the newest addition to the house and she fits in quite well. She'll be staying here until the fall, although when exactly she'll go home, I'm not sure. I don't think she's sure either...

We toured around SF on Sunday, which was a beautiful day. Untrue April SF weather if you ask me - until of course, the fog rolled in. We were on Twin Peaks by then and Mira was amazed by how thick the fog was, and also the speed. Yes, our fog is fast! Within half an hour, half of the city can be covered in thick, white layers of windy coldness. And you have to see it to believe it. So, I'm glad she got to see that!

Yesterday was the first kickball session of the new season, and Mira was invited of course! I should have explained the game better, but I also thought - maybe it's easy enough to understand once you're playing. Well... Mira started to understand the more we played, but... it's not really her type of game. Oh well! She came and tried and met new people, which is all I could have asked for! Next time, she'll sit on the sidelines and heckle - which is a sport unto itself...

I, however, was a great player for my team! If there had been some sort of MVP vote, I think my name might have been in there. And! I was the only person to keep hold of my beer as I ran around the bases! Crafty.

There was many a crush that started last night I believe. One was started for me (which is unfortunate because I doubt anything will happen there), and another is my own personal new crush. :)

Another CSer came and joined in the fun. I will call him J. He's German, but lives in Sweden mostly. He's in SF now until the fall and then maybe Seattle after that before heading back to Sweden next year. Sigh... new crushes are so fun.

After kicking balls until it got too cold, we very undecidingly decided to eat. We ended up at Luna Park on 18th and Valencia. Yum. Mac and cheese with broccoli and ham. J had a "tasty burger", which we agreed was a horrid name for a burger - full of anticipation and hype, which often leads to disappointment.

I sat next to J and he found out I speak German. Not only is he cute and smiley, but now I've got double the ammo when flirting. The crush deepens. We all wind down with our eating and J and I stay there to drink a beer or two. Sigh. It's a lovely, fun time and he's a gentleman.

He pays for the drinks, he politely rebuffs my overly flirtatious will (I'd been drinking and was getting tired!) to snuggle with him that night, and he walks me all the way to the Van Ness Muni station. Such a good guy. He's definitely someone I want to meet up with again.

Telling Leta about it today at lunch was good too. Apparently, I missed a fun night at Kate's with the geeks, but I think my last night was pretty fun. And Mi and C are bitching so much lately, that I'm stepping back for a moment. Mi is cute and funny and the chemistry is still there, but.... if there's stuff going on in his personal or work life that might hinder anything... I know when breathing room is needed.

Double Trouble and a Kick Ass Concert

2008-04-10T13:43:00.000-07:00

After Monday's giggle-enabling chaos, Tuesday was a very quiet day. The geeks weren't in the office at all! It was somewhat of a bummer, but I also hit my highest peak of email responses so far, which is very impressive. And it earned me a bump from S.

And if you don't know what I mean by bump, start high five-ing people and see what their response is... I'm sure they'll hold out their horizontal fists.

Anyway! Tuesday during the day might have been boring yet efficient, but the night was definitely not boring. Marie, Sarah, and I went down to San Jose to see Jimmy Eat World and Paramore. Paramore came on first, so we were down on the floor and rocking out. I still have songs stuck in my head. It was pretty good, except for the utter lack of banter etiquette. Granted, they are young, but... they need to learn how to talk to the audience. No demands for more pep! You can't demand energy from your audience without understanding how to work the stage better and fixing those slow transitions between songs.

Meanwhile, Jimmy Eat World knew how to work it. Play your songs. Loudly. With cool lighting. Back to back, no extended banter. Thank you!!

We were sitting down for that portion of the concert because it did get a little tiresome - all that standing up. Rocked out to "Sweetness", "Always Be", "Authority Song", "Bleed American", and so many other good songs. It wasn't all over the place either, like some bands do. They played all the songs I was expecting to hear and a few thrown in because they probably like playing them.

Yesterday was also a good day. Although K couldn't come out, Leta and I decided to do happy hour. Mi had plans.

Oh yes, ladies and gents. Somebody went on a date last night, to the best that my investigatory skills can indicate. Mi had said on Monday that Wednesday he couldn't come out for drinks because he had made plans. Fine. No red flags. Then, around 4:30 yesterday, Mi got a call and his tone of voice suddenly changed.

Red flag!

I could hear a woman's voice on the other end. That's not the big indicator though. It was the fact that his voice sounded very conciliatory. "Oh sure, I mean, take care of what you need to do. Yeah, we can do that. Yeah, just give me a call later. That sounds fine. OK. Good, see you then."

Now, that might not translate very well, but hearing Mi's regular tone of voice, which is sarcastic and blunt most of the time... my ears were pricked up.

So, then he leaves. I wait for Leta to get done with her work and we head off to get drinks at Lulu's. Well, who do we see waiting at the bus stop outside the building? Mi, smoking a cigarette. Confused Liz walks over and says hi. Leta says something about how to bus is always late. Mi says he was thinking of taking us up on the drinks offer anyway... although, he can only have one because he's got dinner at 6:30.

Leta and I shared... looks of confederacy. :) OK Mi, whatever you say.

I realize that Lulu's is a bar that Rae frequents, so I call her up to see if she can tag along. She can - yet another friend to scope out the Mi situation! We order Maker's Mark Manhattans. Eww. Although Mi assures me that the bar will be set much higher next time, as these are the strongest Manhattans EVER, and not very well mixed.

Rae shows up. Introductions. Mi gets a phone call. We girls were chatting, so I couldn't hear. BUT at the end of the conversation, he says something to the effect of: "Yeah, I'm halfway through a drink, but I can finish quick and be there soon." Leta says "Well, we weren't his first choice, were we?". Leta and I conspire and tag team him as he gets off the phone. He is so blown over by our one-two punch of "So, you're late for dinner? We're not your first choice?" that he doesn't have anything to fight back with.

Score one for the girls.

He's so clearly meeting a woman it's funny. He finishes his drink ten minutes later and says his goodbyes. Rae asks me if Mi is "cute geek" and I say yes. Leta, of course, hears this and the gossip begins. :)

Leta and I had extra dirty martinis, Rae had another beer. More gossip. Food was needed, but nothing at Lulu's was enticing, so we headed over to Basil. Had mojitos with some Thai. So yum. Gossip continues. And I mean, gossip. Like Leta knows so much more about me than I should have told her, except she's so fucking cool. I know she'll keep that info to herself!

So now, Leta knows all about the Mi situation. With just Mi and Is as the only two viable options for us girls....(because everyone else is married, literally) there was a general plan to make waves. Grin. I don't know how else to say it.

Let's just say Leta is rooting for Mi to notice me and I'm rooting for Is to notice Leta. :)

Then, on top of all this - more gossip - Mi didn't come in to the office today! He has a date last night and then doesn't come in. There's a story for sure!

Oh, Leta and I are double trouble and I like it.

Why am I so.... ME!?

2008-04-07T17:05:00.000-07:00

I dare to say that I am unique. Because I know I am - just like everyone else is unique. Nobody is perfect, we all have flaws. Yadda, yadda.

Today at work (and I'm only just leaving), S wanted to take down his lovely prank wall of packing peanuts. So, C and Mi helped in that process, seeing as how they were the inventors. Well, then Mi (as cute as he can be) wanted to make a mess. C commented that that's what you get for drinking beer at lunch. I fully agree....

But then! S got this idea to create a tornado of packing peanuts! We have more than a few empty offices, so that wasn't a problem. We then proceeded to find all the just purchased, unopened boxes of oscillating fans in the near vicinity. The experiment didn't work at all, but hilarity ensued!

I have not laughed so hard in all my life. And I told everyone that this was by far the best temp job I've ever had. Which is so true. It will be heart breaking to leave this office. :(

But during the whole debacle, Mi and I were trading blows. I would say something and he went to get the fan remote control and pretend he was pressing the mute button. Funny stuff. But for some reason, I don't know, maybe I was drunk with giggles.... it just seemed to go overboard. I think I was a little too giddy and Mi took advantage of that. I can't pinpoint if/when it went too far, BUT it definitely felt like:

This has gone on way too long, Liz. If you keep this up, he might actually start to think you're annoying. Which has happened all too often. Surprise, surprise.

I think, however, that Mi is incorrigible, as C confirmed to me later. He is an instigator and a really funny little kid in big guy's clothing. Which I adore. It makes me laugh. And I can't shy away from someone who makes me laugh. I'm sorry... but... it's THE most attractive thing for me. Add to that, he's incredibly smart! And cute! And patient!

Jackpot?

Anyway, off to teach some German...

Just some thoughts

2008-04-04T10:06:00.000-07:00

Sometimes life makes you feel like a yo-yo. Maybe it's emotional. The inner workings of the mind and heart don't always match. And it's your loved one that pays the price. You give them the silent treatment, whine or complain, or even outright yell. The varied levels of displeasure mirror the art of communication itself. Wicked and lovely at the same time.

Maybe it's physical. The world working its magical voodoo powers on your body. Sickness or pain or exhaustion from a schedule you can't control. Or at least feel as if you can't control. An overwhelming feeling that someone out there is not watching over you. They're playing hooky. And those relished pleasures of the past seem to wink at you from across each room you enter. Unfortunately, you're unable to relish, your only response is "I haven't got the time".

Maybe it's a mixture of both. There can't be any mental release of physical or emotional suspense. Just more suspension. Over a wide expanse of sandy earth; the same color of brown starting to eat away at your sensory perception. How many times have you thought "Just get it over with"? At least it would be something new.

Well, what if that something new did happen to you?

What if that something hit you right between the eyes? Like a screw being driven into your skull. Piercing you into focus, it can make your knees weak. You may fall to the ground, wet with perspiration. You're a puddle; a mass of fluid acceptance, awaiting your fate. With relish.

Finally, something to awaken your senses. Is it a person? The beautiful woman at the grocery store? Your toddler's latest oatmeal-crusted grin? Is it a moment? Did someone important to you give you a look of pride? Did you watch a seagull catch a gust of hot air? Did you shiver in horror and relief as someone else was in an accident?

Whatever it is, we hold on to it. Those things are the green oases amidst the never-ending desert. We hold on to them because we want to possess that part of ourselves that loves, and hopes, and wonders. We want to possess it so badly, it's hard to imagine that we could be loved, or hopeful, or wondered at, without that anchor.

I think we could be. We could be all those beautiful things, without having to hold on to that anchor. If we are looking down at that wide expanse of sandy earth and hoping to glance upon an oasis, what if we managed to turn our heads towards the sky and clouds?

What would we see then?

Packing Peanuts and Too Much Beer

2008-04-01T21:36:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was the last day at work before the merger closed. So, there was a lunch with cake and some free beer towards the end of the day. Yep, 4pm rolled around and we all walked over to Thirsty Bear and drank a couple of pints. Yum. I had two Double Hallucinations. Belgian White with about 8% alcohol content. Definite yum.

That was all fine and dandy, with some tapas too. And Ma., I., L. and I were the last ones there. We decided to head somewhere else and continue the frivolity. L. is awesome! From Wisconsin and there's just a certain vibe about her that makes me smile. She doesn't take crap from anyone and I don't annoy the hell out of her. Unlike some people....

We stopped at Kate O'Brien's and had another pint or two. Then Mi. and C. showed up. The two bash brothers of geekdom. They had sly smiles on their faces and reluctantly showed us their handiwork. They had just spent some time pulling a prank on the boss. S.'s office has glass walls next to the door and it has an angle to it. So, they filled up the front of the office (the entire glass wall) with packing peanuts. They built some sort of barrier in the back to hold everything upright. And from the front, it looks like his office is packed with peanuts.

So cool.

So we drank to their clever idea. And then drank some more. Then C. had to go home. Ma. and I. soon followed him. That left Mi., L. and I to drink more beer. I invited Marie out. The four of us were laughing and cracking jokes and harmlessly flirting until twelve thirty. Oops.

But it was very awesome.... I do believe that Mi. is currently available. And he was flirting quite obviously. Well, at least to me he was obvious. Now - is that just him? Or is it something? I really don't care right now to be honest. It's fun to have some sort of flirting outlet, no matter if it amounts to anything.

I might change my mind in the course of this job, but for now... it's nice. It's all in good fun and it doesn't hurt our working relationship, which is.. .I'm not sure what. All I know is that I seem to fit in OK. C. doesn't approve of some of my annoying traits. Mi. told me, since C. would never confront anyone about small stuff. C. also probably broke a rib on Easter weekend, but doesn't complain too much. So... doubtful he'd ever speak up and confront anyone unless it was important.

But back to the fun stuff... I get to flirt with someone. Grin.

In other news, there was a drunken idiot who thought he would drive downtown the easy way - through the metro subway tunnel. It comes above ground at West Portal and this yahoo was dead set on getting downtown at 2am. He made it two miles before wedging his Nissan in the tunnel where it narrows. Good thing MUNI doesn't run at that time of night, otherwise.... But it meant it took an hour to get to work today, and it normally takes only thirty minutes.

Some April Fool's joke. I think I like peanuts better.

Hawai'i was a long time ago, Let's talk about males!

2008-03-28T08:06:00.000-07:00

OK. So, on our last day we went catamaran sailing and I sat up front with some girls and got completely wet and loved it. (Hush dirty joke, I'm not going there until later in the post.) I finally got to sleep in because we didn't have to do the sailing until the afternoon, which meant breakfast wasn't a group activity. I then also spent a lot of time in the morning creating awards for each and every one of those teenagers. Why? Because in the end, they grow on you and you start to like them.

We gave the awards out later that evening at dinner. At Planet Hollywood, where we had the entire upstairs to ourselves for a very awesome dance party!!! Finally, something Liz is good at! There was some very raunchy dancing on the part of the teenies. What made it bearable was watching the tall guys try to grind up on some much shorter girls. ... Oh nature, thank you for making some people unable to dance at all. Because it's hysterical! Bent knees, crouched forward, butt swinging back and forth, not knowing what to do with arms. Sounds desirable, doesn't it?

And then we left the next day, which was also very quiet. :) And I came home very brown!

But on to the very important topic of guys!

I started a new temp job. And I'm a girl replacing the only girl in the customer support division. Everyone else is a guy! This makes my job so much better. Sigh. They're mostly all taken, but whatever. I like working with and being around guys because it's just easier. They don't feel forced to engage in conversation, they tend to laugh at my crass jokes, and they are just so much funner to look at. I never gawk, except in my head. :)

And there is one in particular who is... more desirable than the others. Probably because he hasn't mentioned a significant other yet. But really, he's funny and entirely geeky. In a good way. Of course, it is a tech company, hence the severe ratio of men to women. So, therefore, most of the guys would be geeks. But yeah, he's a gamer geek, but he's cute!

I've only been there since Monday, so I'm still establishing my place in the group. But they are all really friendly and jovial and... just plain cool. Dude, my manager rides a skateboard to work! I get to wear jeans! And I get paid well! The only "bad" things about the job are that you have to stare at a computer screen and deal with stupid people, i.e. customers. I can deal with that if it means laughing at gamer boys and being the cutest thing there. In a skirt. I have to add that in case I crack their fragile male egos. Not that anyone except C works on their hairstyles in the morning.

Ah yes, I should introduce you to all of them:
C = a gamer geek who bellows quite loudly in normal speech, married.
D = very nice guy who knows everything about the systems so I ask him everything, live-in girlfriend.
P = obsessed about anything Japanese (anime, manga, etc.) guy who whines a lot, married.
Ma = deep-voiced cool dude who is the most laid-back person in the office, married.
Mi = the cute gamer geek who takes care of his plants in the office (he has another cubicle for it) and who fastidiously put together another computer for me, so that I wasn't working with Vista, need to find out.
And, of course, S = skateboarding manager who doesn't lose me at all when he explains exactly how the company works, married.

And then, there's me, L = only female in the office who is desperately trying to pick things up from O, even though she "teaches" a little faster than I like. O's due on the 17th - a girl, Natasha. :) I hope she sends baby pictures! I'm gonna need girly stuff like that to keep me grounded.

OK, long post, but the first in a hopefully long line of updates about the men in the office.

Days Three and Four in Waikiki

2008-03-14T14:29:00.000-07:00

Our second full day in Waikiki started off with a morning hike up Diamond Head. So pretty up there!

Even if I only made it up three-quarters of the way... Like I'm supposed to be able to walk up 99 steps in rapid succession! Yeah. right.

After catching my breath and making sure everyone was aware of the schedule... Teenagers tend to forget what you've said the moment you say it... We all went surfing!!

And (un)fortunately, there are no photos of me actually surfing. Awww... I know, you were desperate to see me fall on my ass! But alas, I was unable to take pictures and surf at the same time. But I did exhaust myself after about forty-five minutes. I'm proud that I lasted even that long! It's a full body workout maximum! My arms hurt from paddling, my stomach hurt from balancing, and my ass hurt from... well... you know.

I felt like vomiting for a good ten minutes after coming back to the beach. I drank some water, sat down, caught my breath and thank GOD I started feeling better. Not sure what I would have done had I actually vomited. Ewww.

The afternoon went by quickly after that. We had pizza in Fort DeRussy Park and watched the sunset. Which was nice, except I was a bit frustrated. Apparently, people were losing their key cards faster than they were spending money on cheap shell necklaces. From that point on, I don't think the kids liked me as much as they could have. Then again... I was a chaperone. How much are they allowed to like me anyway, right?

The sunset was quickly followed by some photo op time spent on the beach. There were some really cute shots actually. Once it got dark, we waited around for the Hilton's fireworks, which were very cool. And then, the chaperones headed home, while the kids did... whatever they did. Bed checks and sleep.

Wait. Bathroom problem. Toilet overflow and no plunger on the hotel premises. Get four girls another room at 1am. Sleep.

Wake up at 6am for Pearl Harbor! Well, the exclamation point is for Pearl Harbor, not the 6am part. Breakfast and making sure all the kids are on the bus and away we went. I guess they don't take reservations, so we had to get there before 8am to beat the crowds. Ugh.

But the kids were awesome! No foul language, silence at the memorial (pretty much), demure photo ops at the memorial and the museum, even a few who were chatting to the military vets selling their tell-all books. Sigh. Thank you for little miracles!

After Pearl Harbor, the bus dropped Linda and I off at Aloha Stadium, where the weekly flea market is held. I bought a sweatshirt, two tank tops, a onesie (for Jen's baby), a long-sleeved shirt, a dress/wrap, and a necklace for $60. Not bad for two hours of shopping. And that was pretty much all the shopping I was ever going to do that week!

The afternoon was beautiful, so I spent some time in the pool and at the beach. Lovely. I think I even got in a little nap. Giggle. Dinner was... really cool because one of the student's turned 16! So, we had a cake and celebrated with him!

Of course, he and his posse wanted to stay out later, but... that wasn't gonna fly. At all. Can you see the trend of the kids liking us less and less?

But then, during bed checks, one of the girls (not in the toilet room) was feeling very sick. Sicker than when she came to Hawai'i and we had to go to the ER. I'm up until... 2:30am. Yeah. Loving the chaperone thing. She turned out to be fine and got the medication she needed. Sleep.

Hawai'i 5-0 (Day One and Two)

2008-03-10T18:17:00.000-07:00

Yes, I'm back in foggy and somewhat cold-er San Francisco. And yes, I have a tan!!! This is what I'm most excited about. I did not burn, I got brown. A first for me! :)

So, the details....
DAY ONE
Flight to Honolulu was very nice. The Dutch national softball team was on the same flight. They seemed very relaxed and excited about going to Beijing this summer.

I landed and found one of the other chaperones, Linda from Virginia. Very sweet lady. A bunch of the students and I shuttled back to the hotel, where I was immediately introduced to the tour director, Ute. Also very sweet. I put my bags to the side and started "working". One of the departing chaperones took me and some kids on a walk, so they knew how to get to the beach and the place where we would eat breakfast every morning.

I then proceeded to do this walk three times in a row. Fun. While the kids who came early were getting sun on the beach, I spent some hours waiting for Linda to send students back to the hotel and Richard, the other chaperone, to arrive. I handed out room keys.

At some point, we ate dinner and went over the rules of the trip, i.e. curfew (they didn't like 11pm at all), room responsibilities, etc. Then, we did a bed check and went to bed. Yeah!

DAY TWO
We went on an island tour. So, we were off at 8am, after eating breakfast at Perry's (down the street). We drove past Diamond Head, stopped down below for some photo ops. Carried on to the Halona Blow Hole (don't be nasty now), but we did see some whales way out yonder. :) Then, we drove to Kailua Beach and spent three glorious hours there and had lunch. A little volleyball, a little game of chicken, a lot of relaxing. We got back in the bus and drove to North Beach and saw the massive waves. Seriously... they are so cool and big. And right up against the shore too.

One girl didn't want to get out of the bus. All she said was that she was afraid of waves. When she got out of the bus, I saw her clinging to the sidewalk, not going to the beach. She was crying a little. I went over to her and she told me she had survived the tsunami in Thailand. Foot in mouth syndrome a la Liz. I calmed her down and she went back in the bus. Bond created.

Then, it was on to Haleiwa for some shrimp and shave ice. Super yum - ate it all week. Pretty much. Back on the bus and drove down the middle of the island, past the Dole Plantation (bathroom stop only) and back to Honolulu. Because of traffic, we didn't want to kids to get bored. So, Ute suggested "American Idol". Que? I got hold of the mic and asked each of the countries to come up to the front and sing a song from their country! It was.... a lot of fun. Countries that took part: Norway, Denmark, Germany, Finland, Japan, Palestine, Brazil, Switzerland, Kazakhstan, Argentina, and the USA! There was a tie between the guy from Argentina and the guy from Kazakhstan. Both sang very romantic songs... and there are more girls than guys on that bus. Go figure.

Hard Rock Cafe for dinner. More yum. Walk back to the hotel, some free time until bed checks and then bed!

I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts...

2008-02-19T14:27:00.001-08:00

I am in the mood for a lengthy walk on a sunny beach. I cannot wait until I get to be in Hawaii - which happens just one week from tomorrow.

In other news, it's raining here.

Bah humbug!

But seriously folks, shouldn't life just be about finding those lovely moments? My lovely moment of today has been fitting into my pants better than I did last week. Hopefully, tomorrow's lovely moment will be having my hair cut.

It's the middle of February?

2008-02-15T14:34:00.000-08:00

Really? Did the time go by that fast?

Apparently so.

I'm still working away at the fitness studio. I took over some hours from Donna because she had surgery on her bladder. Abdomen muscles don't heal as quickly as you'd like, so she took two weeks off. That means more money for me, however!

I just turned in some paperwork at SFSU, so I can complete a linguistics independent study with Professor Vandergriff. I can get that done this semester, so I'm able to apply for the teaching credential program to start next year. Part of the independent study course is a tutoring project in German phonology, so I'll be teaching pronunciation to two lucky German 102ers. Of course, a paper and exam are required too.

Add that tutoring project to the rest of my "students": Tom's last tutor session is next Thursday. Then he's off to Berlin, to make incredible waves at his new job over there. Abby is doing well, although she struggles with the reading sometimes. New guy Allan needs help reading as well, but he's taking a course from Langbehn, who's known for his lengthy secondary readings. I need to also call Mia back about tutoring her 4-year-old, Martina.

I signed up with two temp agencies, so they'll probably find work for me starting in March. Why March? Because I am chaperoning a student trip to Hawaii in two weeks! That'll be my vacation from... all this.

The other exciting part of life is the brainstorming that will begin next week for a new YFU project I'm helping with. It's mostly my idea, so more on that later...

Sigh. Can you blame me for not even trying to look for a boytoy?

As promised... visuals...

2008-02-09T17:30:00.000-08:00

Sarah and Marie, my fellow Squids!!! Erin came later and we all played drunk Taboo - my favorite kind of Taboo.

The cutest puppy ever! Marie got a weeks old French bulldog puppy and named her Lola. Lolita actually, but we lovingly all call her Lola for short. Even though the ending on Lolita means little Lola.... I'll stop now.

Storm extreme.

I'm frowning...

2008-01-29T11:29:00.000-08:00

Ugh. Normally, I'm quite OK when other people have problems with me. I usually think: I can see exactly what they mean, but I'm not that person. I'm not any of the things they think I am.

This time (and I shouldn't say exactly what happened b/c I would then be furthering the image that I am this way), someone has called me a gossip and that I lack discretion. Needless to say, I don't believe I am that way. Although, I can see how the situation can be misconstrued. What's sad is that these two things are the exact opposite of me. And yet, someone has pointed to me as the culprit.

Ugh. Again.

I hate it. I suppose I shouldn't even have written this online, except no details are involved. The other part is that the same person also thinks this situation is a learning experience for me. Well, I hate those words because they were preaching to the choir - I don't think I need to learn how to not be a gossip because... well... I'm not one. I guess I should learn that people see what they want to see. As well as others needing to put themselves in a good light.

Did I say ugh already?

The Oscars.... 2008!

2008-01-22T21:12:00.000-08:00

And now it's that time of year when Liz spouts her opinion on matters which do nothing but enhance her small life. Movies!

Oh yes, the nominations are out. And here are my personal picks, which are not necessarily the favorites:

Best Picture Nominees
-Atonement
-There Will Be Blood
-Juno
-No Country For Old Men
-Michael Clayton

Liz's Pick
No Country For Old Men -- This film is so well made. The Coen Brothers have outdone themselves. Really. The fact that there's no score to speak of leads to the majority of suspense and thrill. Each scene becomes more suspenseful and interesting, even though they get less bloody.

Best Actor Nominees
-Daniel Day Lewis
-George Clooney
-Johnny Depp
-Viggo Mortensen
-Tommy Lee Jones

Liz's Pick
George Clooney -- I think it's George's year. This movie was not a big box office success. It even slipped under my radar, as far as awards were concerned. But George's, as well as Tilda Swinton's and Tom Wilkinson's, performances in this movie are just spectacular. The story line is a bit complicated, but each scene builds upon the last. I love the intricacy and subtlety.

Best Actress Nominees
-Ellen Page
-Julie Christie
-Cate Blanchett
-Marion Cotillard
-Laura Linney

Liz's Pick
Ellen Page -- This is her movie and she's adorably bang on in it. All the characters are spot on, but Ellen just takes the cake. Her totally believable performance as the spunky pregnant teenager is one of those performances we'll all be talking about ten years from now. Welcome to Hollywood Ellen!

Best Supporting Actor Nominees
-Hal Holbrook
-Javier Bardem
-Casey Affleck
-Philip Seymour Hoffman
-Tom Wilkinson

Liz's Pick
Casey Affleck -- Not a heavy favorite for this category, what with Javier Bardem being the golden boy this year, but I'm gonna take a risk here. I think Casey put all of himself out there in "The Assassination of Jesse James". And it was all good. Everything else disappointed for me, except Casey. He's emerging as a brilliant actor, loved by his fellow actors.

Best Supporting Actress Nominees
-Cate Blanchett
-Ruby Dee
-Amy Ryan
-Saoirse Ronan
-Tilda Swinton

Liz's Pick
Tilda Swinton -- A lot of people might have thought I would pick Cate for her performance in "I'm Not There". I would have, except that Tilda was nominated. She has always played beautifully opposite any actor and she does so in a phenomenal way in "Michael Clayton". She was born to play this role; the anxious, yet deliberate foil to George Clooney's focused legal manhunt.

Best Foreign Film Nominees
-12
-The Counterfeiters
-Katyn
-Beaufort
-Mongol

Liz's Pick
The Counterfeiters -- Oscar loves a WWII film about Nazis and this one offers a wide range of acting skills and story. If this film should hit your local theater, go see it. Yes, subtitles are present, but hey - interesting true story + cool machinery = good time.

Best Director Nominees
-Julian Schnabel
-The Coen Brothers
-Jason Reitman
-Tony Gilroy
-Paul Thomas Anderson

Liz's Pick
Julian Schnabel -- His movie is a total gem from start to finish. Julian has a vision and measure to his madness. The film is art, since he is also a painter. And that's what film should be. I'm a little upset Sean Penn wasn't nominated - he could easily take the place of Tony Gilroy. And where was the nod for Joe Wright? With those two biggies out of the way, I choose Julian for his sheer brilliance.

Best Adapted Screenplay Nominees
-Sarah Polley
-Ronald Harwood
-Christopher Hampton
-The Coen Brothers
-Paul Thomas Anderson

Liz's Pick
Christopher Hampton -- "Atonement" may not have been the best movie of the year in my opinion, but it's shining glory is the screenplay. Ian McEwan's wonderful book was masterfully adapted by Hampton, even with all the time jumps. Not once did I feel slowed down by the decades of story involved. Not once did I feel like I'd missed some key element to the very ornate story. It's about as true to a novel a screenplay can be.

Best Original Screenplay Nominees
-Diablo Cody
-Nancy Oliver
-Tamara Jenkins
-Brad Bird, Jan Pinkava, and Jim Capobianco
-Tony Gilroy

Liz's Pick
Tamara Jenkins -- I am so happy "The Savages" was nominated, both here and for Laura Linney's performance as the neurotic sister having to take care of her senior father. This is a screenplay with characters who write, so the standard was meant to be upheld in a big way. And with actors like Linney and PSH... the movie was taken to a higher level.

*The Things Left Behind*
--Nominations for Sean Penn's "Into The Wild"--
I mean, Eddie Vedder wasn't even nominated for Best Song! Come on people! Yes, there were some good scores and songs in movies this year, but Penn's film relied so heavily on the music, it was like a separate character. Same as the direction and writing. I am a little upset that it didn't get much love.

--No Angelina or Keira--
I am not surprised that Keira or Angelina were not nominated. While I have not seen Angelina's performance, I doubt it would have stood up to the women who were nominated. The Globes have many nominations that don't show up anywhere else. Neither of the actresses were nominated for these performances, other than at the Globes.

--Just Off The Grid--
This was a really good year for film. I will be very honest about this issue. In movie years like 2005, when "Brokeback Mountain" took charge, other films take a back seat. (Would anyone have remembered "Crash" came out the same year if it hadn't won?) And I hate it. All films should be given their due. This year is a good example of that, as seen with all the different award shows so far. But there were a few films that weren't even being talked about: "The Namesake", "Youth Without Youth", "After The Wedding", "Once", and "Zodiac". None of these movies (with the exception of "Once") have been nominated. And they more rightly deserved a nod, rather than say... "Charlie Wilson's War" and "Sweeney Todd" - sorry Johnny fans...

OK. I've put in my twelve cents. Your turn.

Creepy + Spanish = Good

2008-01-21T14:35:00.000-08:00

I went with Dan yesterday to see "The Orphanage". The Ex. Producer is Guillermo Del Toro of Pan's Labyrinth fame. And it's the same gaggle of guys who did "The Others" with Nicole Kidman. So... yeah, it was good.

I don't want to say Oscar worthy, but it's up there as far as suspense movies go. That creepy I'm-not-sure-what's-happening feeling is palpable in many scenes (especially on the beach or when the mom's alone in the house), but it's also got that feel-good stuff like Pan's Labyrinth. Mom's unrelenting focus to find her son and strength during the last scenes are just breathtaking. Congrats to Belen Rueda - great performance!

Yes, there are some roll-your-eyes scenes (mediums doing a seance), but they don't take away from the overall themes of the movie, nor the genuine emotion of the characters. And I was pleasantly surprised by the writing. It didn't take itself too seriously, even though the movie was dealing with some heavy issues and emotions. It simply allowed those emotions to flow and not overpower the characters or the story.

Favorite scenes include: The sequence when Laura looks all over the house for her son, Simon - running through the garden with all the people wearing masks. The scene where Laura finds ... something in the shed's old oven. The final scene with Laura and the children, as well as the final look on her husband's face.

The Movies of 2008... sort of

2008-01-18T21:56:00.000-08:00

Obviously, I don't work in Hollywood, so I don't know exactly which movies are coming out and when. But some movies have been approved for release. Some of them have even been promoted already.

So, here are some of the movies I am looking forward to in the near future:

27 Dresses: Jan 18th
--OK, OK, I know. Typical romantic comedy chick-lit crap, right? Well, yeah. But hey - I can't be an arty intellectual all the time!

4 Months, 3 Weeks, 2 Days: Jan 25th
--Subtitles. Young rebellion. Serious screenplay material. What more could a girl ask for? Oh yeah, great acting and the fact that it's going to play in SF.

Wild West Comedy Show: Feb 8th
--Vince Vaughn et al being drunk and funny with really bad six o'clock shadow. Nuff said.

In Bruges: Feb 8th
--Colin Farell makes his comeback to good movies with this comedy (as well as Woody Allen's "Cassandra's Dream"). And while I'm not as willing to pay money to see Woody's invention (although I will be salivating for both Colin and Ewan McGregor once the DVD comes out).... "In Bruges" is teeming with awkward moments, hysterical dialog, and Bruges.

The Band's Visit: Feb 8th
--Great weekend for movies apparently. This one also has subtitles, even if the actors are speaking English. That's because half the actors are from Egypt. Looks hysterical. I'm thinking Little Miss Sunshine in Arabic, but with more awkward cultural silences.

Charlie Bartlett: Feb 22nd
--Robert Downey Jr. is amazing and has been for a long time - even if drugs did suck some life out of him for a few years a decade ago. But he's not the main character here. Young, talented new blood is. Yum.

Be Kind, Rewind: Feb 22nd
--Something to toke up and giggle to.

The Other Boleyn Girl: Feb 29th
--Period piece of Natalie Portman, Scarlett Johansson, and Eric Bana. I'm guessing there's some sex, intrigue, family infighting, and death. Sounds like a good time to have inside the cinema when it's raining outside. Plus... how cool that Natalie Portman is playing Anne Boleyn!

Penelope: Feb 29th
--Could be funny and cute. Christina Ricci does her indie magic while wearing a prosthetic pig's nose.

I'm sure there's a lot more than this that will happen to our movie consciousness this winter/spring. Or at least, I hope.

As for the current batch of movie greatness, I recommend:
-There Will Be Blood
-The Diving Bell and the Butterfly
-Persepolis
-The Orphanage
-Juno
-Atonement (the screenplay and direction saves casting Keira Knightley)
-Sweeney Todd
-No Country For Old Men
-The Savages

Update

2008-01-09T20:50:00.000-08:00

I'm cold, still blowing my nose, and constantly sleeping in.

A friend of mine from Hamburg found me on Facebook, which is happy. I'm not quite sure if he's in Santa Cruz or Hamburg. If he was in Santa Cruz, that might be more happy. And if it was good weather and he was in Santa Cruz, we could play the ultimate frisbee we never got to play in Hamburg. Ultra happy... right?

I'm juggling a lot of balls right now. The interview process for a job with YFU is on going (they've got national training going on right now, I understand...). I subbed for Jenna at the fitness studio, so I got some nice hours there. Berlitz called and asked for my German abilities for next week. I'm interviewing for some families in SF and Burlingame. The YFU orientation is this Saturday. I'm tutoring this Sunday. Sam and Kris want a conference call this weekend about the NAC.

And oddly enough, I've got LOTS of time to breathe. I'm even sleeping in, like, everyday.

Who said being busy meant you had to lose sleep?

Of course, I haven't seen a lot of my friends in the last week. Hmmm... that's going on the checklist too.

"take out T C P"

2008-01-06T10:18:00.000-08:00

First things first, photos are on their way.... Once I find my USB cable. Grin.

Well, I'm still job searching. Now I can't remember if I've mentioned it before, but that's what I'm up to. Job searching. I found a German translator job at Penthouse in Palo Alto. Yes, Penthouse, the men's magazine. Stop your dirty thoughts right there, I'm translating customer service stuff, like invoices and emails. I've found a temp job working as volunteer coordination assistant for the SF Film Festival in April. Of course, the job extends from February to April.

But, of course, after submitting my resume to them, I get no callbacks. At least not soon after. It's been a week for both jobs, among others. I can be patient since I have some extra time at the fitness studio....

But does it help that Kim has three jobs, which are all up my alley - exchange student organization + teaching at State + teaching Saturday school. Granted, I work Saturday mornings now, so I cut myself off from that last gig. But yeah... she's teaching at State for the spring semester. Taking over the two lower level classes since the fall semester guy was um... really bad. Kim will do fine - it just kinda sucks. That's the job I wanted, but can't have now.

Oh well. I know it's time to move on thought-wise, to other things. But it's rough when you're idle most of the time.... I have too many thoughts of how to move on and now practical way of actually moving on.

Go figure.

Pre-Party Jitters

2007-12-31T14:01:00.000-08:00

Well, I'm not jittery. But I am continuously going over things in my head. Things I need to accomplish before people start showing up. Like, buying juices and other beverages.

I also want to mop down the floors. Kill all the dust bunnies. All dust bunnies must perish. All germs in bathrooms must die a nasty, yet quick death. Also, I will guillotine any do-gooders that get in my way. I'm not sure what do-gooders would get in the way of killing vicious allergens, but... the enemy always exists. And the truth is out there.

Or something.

I'm happy to see that there is no fog and the sun is shining. This does not mean it's warm, but it means it might not rain tonight. This is happy. This might enable my party-goers to feel free to come and go as they so please. Joy and Jared will be here, as will Ian and Emily (at some point), possibly also Alexei, the Squidettes are showing up, Rae and Ethan?, and... Camilla. If Camilla comes, she might bring others in her wake. Depending on who's in town. International students tend to go home for the winter break.

So, not a giant bash, but a happy get-together all the same.

But I'm sure there will be a resounding "let's try going out" motto to the evening. That seems to happen whenever people do visit my apartment. Whether or not the group migrates to somewhere else depends on how drunk everyone is, the weather, and how many of us there are.

Fuck, I've got to get the music situated. When did my technical skills not include TiVo-iTunes interaction?

Podcasting, here I come!

2007-12-27T15:28:00.001-08:00

Yes, I've decided to take the plunge. I will be learning about and trying to create my very own podcast. I have not yet decided what the topic of conversation will be about, but I have various inklings:

-Youth For Understanding and its secretive intricacies involving international students in the USA and Americans overseas

-German language and culture, maybe a book club dedicated to German authors only

-San Francisco's finest bars (this means I'd have to get out more often)

-Movie reviews (like there's no other podcasts about this...)

-Travel experiences a la Liz

I'm kinda leaning towards the YFU drill, even if nobody else with YFU knows about it yet. It could be fun to get people from all over the country to call in and voice their concerns/praise/etc for YFU and the students. Maybe students that want to go abroad will find this and get involved. Maybe this is a great way to keep volunteers across the country involved. And hey, I didn't join the YFU National Alumni Council for nothing!

There could be a blog dedicated to this, where the podcast could sit as well. Now all I have to do is get the national office involved, so that it's not all out of my head kind of stuff. It might happen. Smile.