I just spent an amazing weekend with YFU volunteers and the outbound students for the Oslo area. And in my tired state of aftermath, all I can think of is how I compare to the leaders who were at this weekend's orientation. I am nothing compared to these girls. I feel out of place and completely backwards.
Ok, I just stopped to make some pasta and ended up crying over the boiling pot. One lone tear actually falling, but apparently I'm in a funk. A bit lonely and highly insecure. Watch out, I might do something stupid like tell everybody...
I mean, let's talk about the girls (my age) that I know here.
Trine is amazing. 25, lifeline volunteer for YFU-Oslo, member of the board in this region and all-around go-to girl for everything. That and she seems to handle the leadership role quite well and people respond to her. Hence she's a great leader. Plus, she's got this amazing self-confidence that shows in her face. Always an attractive trait - confidence.
Linda is so funny and sweet. 21 (?), getting superb grades in school right now - film, and friends know how much i respect film people - and seemingly always in a good mood. She's the girl you can't help but look at and say a word to, whether it be hello or isn't this cake great? Plus, she's cute. Freckles on the nose cute.
Ingrid is commanding. When she speaks, you listen. And not because she's the loudest, although that happens too. But because she knows what she's saying and has a reason for saying it. Conviction - something I completely lack. Totally awesome, right? And she practices capoeira, so she has a great body. Buff chick with an easy, relaxed attitude.
I mean, how can I compete with girls like these in the world? I've been single for so much of my life and I think deep down I've always "known" why. And I used quotes because it's not really a fact, but my opinion of myself. But if I've thought that for a while now, I don't think it'll change. I think the only quality of mine that amazes me is how I remain so sneaky on the outside. If you weren't a good friend who's spent time with me during these lows of mine, could you really tell I was this unhappy and insecure?
I always wanted to be an actress.
Oh, and by the way - I met someone while I was in Tromsø last weekend (which I'll tell you about very soon, as well as this weekend). His name is Thoele, which is hard to pronounce, but he's totally worth it. Very sweet and caring and absolutely not deserving of me, which is why we should remain friends. What's very cool about the whole thing is that we were bumbling, goofy idiots around each other and I had no overt sexual attraction to him. Definitely not the I want to jump his bones type stuff. Very much more the hugging, cuddling, let's get to know each other stuff.
Yeah... time for me to eat the pasta I made.