There's confusion. There's frustration. And then... there's where I am. Somewhere in between. I'm confused by how I feel. I'm frustrated that I'm confused. And the rest of me just lets it all go. Sometimes my heart beats so faintly, yet so strong. Every thump against my chest is another reminder that I'm only human. I can't move mountains. And why would I want to? They're much bigger than me and they're heavy. Yet we try to move mountains. Every day. And where does it get us? Just one step closer to breaking our backs.
One thing I won't stand for is my heart being broken. I'll probably be kneeling or lying down or curled up in a ball. There was a moment last night, when my heart was beating faster. And a shiver of heat went up my spine, as I realized that I felt something. I felt like I couldn't let go of whatever was inside me. It's not fair that I felt that way. Because it wasn't just about me. It was a selfish feeling that involved someone else's feelings too. It felt selfish and wrong. But it was also something I didn't see coming. Then, I felt guilty for having felt that way. And that confused me more than ever.
I shouldn't feel guilty about my emotions. And especially when that other person can read me so well.... He reads me like an open book with really big font. I should be grateful that he aired on the side of gentleness and care. I was feeling taken care of, at the same time I was feeling guilty. He could get in trouble for letting me stay the night. And yet...
When is anything uncomplicated? When do someone else's emotions matter more than my own?
I like him. And I want to spend time with him. Why is that so hard to say out loud? Why is that so difficult to let go of? I'm not sure I could let go of his smell, his eyes, his kiss. It's so easy when I'm around him. I bury my forehead into his shoulder, as he drops a kiss on the back of my neck. He's this solid something I can hold onto, which is helpful since I seem to be spinning out into frustration and confusion. The affection he gives is saving me from a wealth of.... something I'm afraid to feel.
Everything we do with our hearts is a risk. My pounding heart must be the adrenalin pumping through my body. This extreme emotion of being afraid to lose something and the anticipation of the inevitable. My heart lives somewhere in between the two.