I just ate some very delicious potato derivatives with salt. Yes, they were mass produced and sold to me by Mexicans at my office location's local Micky D's. French fries have a strange hold over me whenever I eat them. I see to fall into a deep coma, not unlike regular food coma, but with French Fries.... colors become brighter and sounds become muted. The world goes out of whack for a time until my brain can adjust itself to the potato intake. It's like I'm about to pass out, but better. I'm drinking a chocolate milkshake, which should offset the coma crisis. The sugary thickness often lends my brain a helping hand. Alas, I am far too tired. And thusly, the milkshake has been corrupted.
Yes. Damn. I've been bamboozled into thinking I was going to be productive today.
I was very productive last night however. M and I went to ZG and celebrated the Tamale Lady's 50th birthday. You don't know who the Tamale Lady is? Well, she's only the most loving cook the Mission has ever known. She hand makes tamales every day and sells them at night. Her motto? "I don't know you but I love you. So, have a beer, maybe a little weed, but NO CHEMICALS!" Best story I've heard of her yet? There was a drunk girl who needed to go to the hospital for alcohol poisoning and the Tamale Lady force fed her a tamale before the paramedics got there. The doctors said if the girl hadn't had that tamale, she might have died. That one tamale gave her system enough to get her through it.
There was a band and a projector playing a little film about her. The film was full of people praising her tamales and some music written specifically for her by local bands and artists. It was a great present. They had a special for $10 - all you could drink from 4 kegs of Speakeasy and some chicken mole. Well, the mole wasn't spectacular, so I got a burger instead. But man - Liz got herself a little twisted on the Speakeasy. In a good way.
M and I fell into a bad habit routine of following each other home. It was late and we would have both needed a taxi anyway. He just kinda... shared the cab with me all the way home. Oops. It was definitely an oops, since we're doing the friend thing now. Not an oops either of us has to think of in regards to our friendship. We're OK. But there were ramifications on other fronts this morning. Aftermath. It always sounded horrible, mostly because of the word "math".
I care about the aftermath because M is my friend. I want him to be happy. Even if I felt kinda hurt when he was making out with some other girl at ZG before we left. It was a strange situation. She was sitting at our table with her friends - she was turning 21 - and she was fucking cool. Dude, she was cool because she thought we were cool. Yeah, M was in kissy mode, so there was kissing. First emotion. Wow, that looks kinda hot. Second emotion. I want to kiss him. Third emotion. I feel guilty for even feeling like I get to covet him.
In the end, homegirl could read my face like it was written in big ass children's book font. She backed off - not that that's what I wanted completely - but I did feel better when she left with her friends and he left with me. Granted, he was making eyes at me too and if I had been in the mood for it, I'm sure a threesome woulda gone down. Now that's a birthday present.
Baby steps. First, see him kissing someone else before you end up feeling better by being the one in bed with him. Later, see him kissing someone else and end up letting him go home with her. There are some baby steps in between there.
I was very happy he decided to let me in on his aftermath though. It felt like normal friend stuff. Eventually, if he gives me more of that, further "oops" situations can be avoided. I'll start to feel like I'm getting the other side of him. Before, I wasn't getting any of that friend conversation, so I was needing affection and sex to compensate. That was my way to show him I was there for him and he was wanted/needed/cared for etc. I think we're heading towards the other side of things.
And although I think there will always be a certain amount of sexual tension, we can get through it. I just want him to be happy. The intentions are there already. We just have to put it into practice.
Life is random, but I know for damn sure that my friends are my family.
Good thing I've got something new to look forward to tomorrow! Hip Hop dance class at Shoebox Studio in SOMA. Rae said she'd come with me. We'll see if this is the first step to getting back into dance. It was a huge part of my life. It seems like a long time ago that it was in my life - but in reality, it never left. I just stopped acknowledging its presence. Bad Liz. And good Liz for allowing it back in now.