...was uneventful. I played Escape The Museum on Jen's computer for like an hour and a half. It's a dumb game. But it helped dumb me down for a moment or two.
The dumbing down was a particularly good thing, as I'd had many moments in my down time. Moments of thought. I get thinky. It's a me thing and sometimes a problem. I went back and forth about M. Part of me doesn't want to let go of it all. But he makes me nutty. That's not necessarily a good thing. So, the opposite party of me just wants to live my life.
Why do men suck your brain out and let only the air remain?
It definitely sucks that I met him during a time in my life when I have no direction or feeling of purpose. I'm still learning how to find me. So, of course I fucked up the end game with M. And at the end of the day, I have to think about myself first.
There's just this part of me that swells like an incoming wave. I overwhelm myself with feelings of longing. It fills me up to the brim and I just can't help but ride the wave. Of course, even if the wave leaves me physically, there's that roll inside your body that remains. You can still feel the movement of the wave long after you've left the ocean.
I feel like I'm not quite living my life yet. After seeing Jen and Chris with Gavin.... it just hit me even harder. Jen found her happy. She's a mother. I don't see myself as a mother, but it was just so obvious that she was comfortable. It's not that I wish for what she has. I wasn't envious. I'm happy for her.
I don't know.... Maybe I'm just waxing poetic right now. Or rather waxing thinky.