Everyone knows that feeling of anxiety. It creeps up on you and begins to boil your insides. Suddenly, your stomach has flipped on its side; the muscles in your hands freeze until your hands look like claws. Some people know this feeling better than others. I'm not usually familiar with this emotion. I don't get panic attacks. When I think morbid thoughts, I simply brush them off and go about my business. I don't scare myself into thinking that I'm nervous.
I do, however, have a tendency to overthink things. Situations, which need not be awkward, are suddenly... awkward! I would hesitate to call this anxiety. This is more like lack of logic and/or perspective.
Well, last night I met with some old classmates from the MA program. It was not nearly as awkward as I imagined it to be, although there were some key moments of major uncomfy-ness. I reverted back into iTool status whenever I felt out of place. I was too blunt when Bryan's girlfriend asked me what I did for work. She's a trooper and didn't let it effect her. Generally, I made it through the evening. There was one thing that gave me some perspective.
Maybe it's PMS, maybe it's my stress levels. But the past few days, I've been bombarded with cute significant other imagery, which has made me frustrated and venty. Wordvomited to M... twice... about this. Needless to say, he was not cool with it, which I think is kinda silly. My point is that the cutest couples are still couples, with all the problems and miscommunications of any other relationship.
Example A: Marie and her boyfriend. Been together for four years, Marie's wanting to talk about moving in together, he's not. Big subject matter, which scares some people. But when Marie and Mouse are together, it's hard not to vomit because they are so freakin' adorable and sweet to each other. Marie's awesomely good about communicating, so they're working things out and having those big discussions. Yeah for them!
Example B: Kim and her boyfriend. Also been together for four plus years and live together. They mesh well, they seem like they want the same things. Kim confided in me last night that she needed to bring a topic up to Devon, but wasn't sure how to do it without hurting his feelings. While I may not be a great person for that advice (being as blunt as I am and not knowing Devon better), I did listen to her and gave her my point of view. She was grateful for it.
The perspective it gave me was really helpful. Sure, I still feel like I'm going to be single for the rest of my life. I'm human too and can't change that quickly. But it lightened my heart to have confirmation that... you know what? Everyone else is confused and nervous and emotional about their own relationships situations.
Nothing is perfect. But I suppose you can allow things to be perfect for your relationship. I've been single for nearly six years now. I've had a few guys enter my life in that time. But none of them ever stuck it out and wanted to be my significant other. Most of them ended up as my friend. I'm good at being a friend. Maybe that's what's perfect for me. Sometimes I get a little low - I mean, all these friends (half of them guys) tell me I'm awesome - why wouldn't someone want to be with me then? I'm learning to let that be and just continue to be awesome.