A few things happened yesterday/this morning:
I lost part of my eyebrow ring, so now I'm forced to go shopping for new jewelry!
I met a man named Tugboat and he let me smoke from his double-barrel pipe.
I ate the most wondrous breakfast dish ever - Beef Bi Bim Bop.
I went commando.
I hummed "You Are My Sunshine" while walking.
I got frustrated when he didn't come.
I may have overstayed my welcome.
I may have floated home.
I took the most awesome photo EVER!
I started to realize that my thoughts about a certain someone are wonderfully scary.
Sometimes I just get overwhelmed by the depth of my heart. My soul. I take things in and I cherish these moments. I know that M thinks this way too. There's a certain look on his face every now and again. Like he's looking inward on himself and telling his heart to remember it just like this.
I'm definitely having one of those days. After, like always, making a tiny fool of myself during the evening/night, the next morning/day changes me. I just don't think I can get enough of him sometimes. It feels like he's just wavering on my fingertips. And I adore it and it scares me. For me, it means I'm getting closer. It's addictive. And I shouldn't allow myself to start feeling these things. My heart's a tough cookie and I can handle heartache. I'm doing my best not to set myself up for it this time.
I know he sees other women. I know about them. Not in detail, and I haven't met them. But he talks about them. I'm sure he's aware that I don't talk about other guys. I even mentioned a funny story about a guy I had been with. He laughed, but... he also didn't want to hear about it all. He's so with me when we're being lovers, but... he also refrains sometimes from hugging back too tightly and giving me kisses on the street, the morning after. I have no idea what he feels for me. I know we're friends. I know we're lovers. And I know he likes his space to do what he likes.
Sigh..... Could I be growing on him? Not as a friend, but as something else? Might he actually start to think of me in this floaty, whimsical way? We both have moments of feeling that for each other I think. And I think we both don't want to do anything to disturb our friendship, so the thought of being something other than what we are right now scares us.
All I know is that he's amazing and fills me up with a sense of wanting more. Yes, of him, but also of everything else.... I've felt so many things, had so many ups and downs while I've known him. Sometimes it's been about him, sometimes not. But I've been living. I've been extending myself as a person, as a human being. That's something not everyone can give you. And I think it only happens when someone makes you feel. ..... It's not love I'm feeling. Not the romantic love when kisses crescendo like in the movies. Not the consistent love when holding their hand is all you need. No, this is just my heart growing roots. Not in him, but in me.
The depth of a heart cannot be measured. Just when you think you might have stretched your tentacles as far as they could reach, something grows inside you. Something new. Something strong, yet fragile; the beauty of which is indescribable. And it's just starting to be a defining experience for me: to know that this type of beauty of spirit grows inside me.