Everyone has moments when they can't help but go to that place in their mind, which can only lead to self-doubt, regret, and insecurity. It's human to feel inadequate. It's natural to critique yourself. What matters is your next step. I admit to being a glutton for incompetent self-confidence because it always leads to compliments. It's a weakness of mine, but when I get to that place in my head, it just feels good to hear that someone thinks I'm awesome.
Most of this weekend has been me, sitting on my couch, watching TV, reading a book, listening to music. Take your pick, but I was doing it by myself. You need that space now and again. Yesterday it felt good to be by myself and do what I wanted/needed. Today, after too much sleep and not enough of an appetite, I feel... smaller. I could fit into someone's pocket and not make a peep.
And then I found M, said hi, started to feel like I could climb out of that pocket. Sigh. This is what friends are for, even if he feels uncomfortable if I say he's a good friend. At some point, he's just gonna have to get over that, because I tell my friends that they're awesome. Maybe not every day, but I let them know that they mean something to me. It's not me trying hard to have a friend. It's me showing love.
I know I'm awesome. Somewhere in my mind, maybe right next to the self-doubt, is that place of self-awareness and confidence. I may not be completely secure in who I am - jeesh, whoever says they are is in denial - but I know parts of me that are strong. I'm human, which means I'm fallible and imperfect. To get all word nerdy, the word "perfect" is Latin for "done through" = finished. I certainly wouldn't want to be finished at age 27! So, I fully accept that I'm imperfect - gladly!
I'm unfinished. As are we all I suppose. I just need to listen to myself. Listen to that place in my heart that beats only for me - treat myself like I would want others to treat me. It's hard to hear yourself over the roar of the crowd sometimes. I guess that's my own personal quest for perfection. I'll probably never attain it, but it's never the destination, it's the journey.