It's been a while....
Things haven't changed much, except the weather. It's much more windy and chilly outside. So, a short indian summer to say the least! I thought it would last into October. *shrug*
I remain a contractor/temp at work. I don't know for how long and in what capacity because things are very up in the air for this company. HR is saying my contract may end soon, that it may not be indefinite. But does that mean I'm losing my position? Or does it mean that my contract simply runs out with HR... because the company is being siphoned off to be a start-up again? So... some things to come I think.
Not everything is what it seems.
With M too! I really like where we are. We're friends, it's easy to talk to him, easy to vent. There are certain topics that he feels comfy bringing up in front of me. Makes me feel like I'm a friend of his. Like he can trust me with that info. So, that's very cool.
On the fooling-around side, however, it's not paradise. It's a murky gray area. Although there were a few things both of us were very clear about. Believe me, the fooling around is a LOT of fun. But fun doesn't mean that it's the best sex ever - so, some creativity might have to happen. Or the fooling around stops, although we've tried not to and.. yeah... like that worked.
I think whatever we are is a very murky gray area. It's completely ambiguous, even though it feels comfy. Sometimes, like after the kind of talk we had yesterday, I get a little curious to know how he feels, what he wants. I know what he doesn't want. The girly in me wants to know: What do you want from me? What do I mean to you? How can we stay in this comfy place without hurting each other? And if we can't stay there, how do we get to a good friends-only place where we don't hurt each other and still feel comfy?
Sigh.... I'll probably never know the answers to that. I can't control that anyway, even if he told me those things. I can only control myself and my own feelings/thoughts. I know how I feel and I know what I want. I know what he means to me. And if my heart breaks, it won't be all his fault. But I'll live. Whatever M thinks of me, I'm so much more than that.
I know this now thanks to him. For whatever reason, he's been in my life since April. So, I've only known him a short time. But during that short time, I've grown back into my own skin. I've gone through a really insecure time and come out the other side, our friendship still in tact. It means I'm strong enough to handle myself. It means I'm growing. I like it. I'm enforcing myself. I'm learning how to be comfortable with knowing who I am. That's priceless.