It is such a big word: resolution. The idea that you can wash yourself clean of all things in the past is a BIG idea. Much bigger than the word itself. It's scary! How can I, little humble me, make such a resolution and stick to it? And yet we think we can do it every single year. It amazes me how people can change.
I want to change. I want to breathe new life into myself and renew every fiber of my body and mind. Some people do it with yoga or poetry or vacations. I'm doing it with a new friend of mine. Yes, that's a very dirty line... And that part of it is true also. But in the short time we've had to hang out and get to know each other, the more I want to know. It's not infatuation, it's not lust (well, not all the time), and it's certainly not love. It's that calm that renders you utterly whole. It's that rush of warmth whenever a worry tries to wiggle its way into your thoughts. It's something new. And the things that are new in your life make you feel new.
I feel new. I feel like I'm changing. Which is really good! I still have my dilemmas of finding a job and how to keep paying my rent. But I also know that my good friend Emily is getting married in October and I'm going to be a bridesmaid. I know that I have a fiendishly funny way to make her smile and I intend on using that at her wedding! :) I also know that not everything in my life is about me. I am not my job, I am not my apartment, I am certainly not my friends. And yet all these things have a say in who I am.
But not who I could become. That's up to me. And right now, I feel new and fresh and alive. It's a priceless feeling and I hope I can use it for good, not evil. We'll see how long it lasts....
My resolution for 2009: learn from my mistakes, write more, and start breathing again. Long, deep, whole-body breaths.