My chiropractor is a gem. He always takes my grim existence and extreme sarcasm with a huge grain of salt. And he never once asks me why I am such a hostile friend. He is also a gem for cracking my spine so geniusly. I feel ten times better than I did yesterday. Especially since I had to sit for extended periods of time yesterday. I flew back from Wisconsin. I'm never getting home after midnight ever again. It stunts my personality because I'm continually complaining about everything.
So I was in a great mood last night because of that and also the fact that Thayne and I have come to yet another plateau in our friendship. No more benefits. I was a little disappointed, for obvious reasons, but also saddened because we eventually got around to why it was a good idea. He's not in love with me anymore and to generate some kind of fallacy in my head that he might continue to be is just plain unhealthy. So, it was a big shock to hear that from him. Not that I was expecting him to say that he still loves me like he always did. We've been exes for almost two years. But I still can't help feeling like we've actually broken up. We never really had a true break-up. We just parted ways. And I can't deny that I am still in love with him. Because I am. I always will be. I'd be heartless to just give my first love up in a callous manner. And he did soften the blow by saying that it wasn't an overnight thing for him to fall out of love with me. But still...
No girl likes to hear that.
I think the other thing that truly hurt was the way he said: I think the idea of us getting together again isn't going to work. And it made me cry. Not merely the fact that he doesn't want that. But that he'll find someone else and fall in love with her and she might even replace what I am to him. At this moment in my mind, there isn't anyone else to replace him in my life and my heart. I sound completely sappy. And I'm not going to be that person. That girl who is always hanging on to the past and not looking out for her future. Well, the very deep parts of me will be like that. Just because I'm hopeless like that.
No... I'm going to Norway. If I get into graduate school, that will open more doors into my life. If I don't, I have to look at what I really want to do. I really want to write. I think if anything, I should write. I need to write down what's inside me. I can see myself as a full-blown writer, who spends her time living life for the story. And in time, I'll have a completely different perspective on what happened this weekend with Thayne. He is my best friend after all. I can't really get rid of him. He'll always be this nagging, irritating, lovely, beautiful thing that will always be part of me. I can only hope that's what I am to him.