I'm really feeling isolated and not worthy of friendship lately. I snapped at Em on Friday, excusing it for alcohol-induced bitchery. I barely talked to Erin tonight. Same goes for my parents. I bailed on Kim and Oktoberfest two nights in a row without explanaiton. I'm only just getting my homework done. I'm reading everything, but forgetting it the moment I put it down. My school reading that is. My new romance novel - I'm great there.
I've always been the distant person who puts in the occasional funny-girl sarcasm crazy moments to let everyone know I still exist. And yeah, I'm still feeling like that. Although, I did have a decent conversation with Thayne yesterday. He's going through a rough couple of weeks due to a "break-up" with Amy. Amy is this sophomore at Ripon who he's been dating for five or six months. And she's emotionally there, but not physically. Now, that's gotta be an ego-destroyer. Not only that however, but she's met his family and is planning on coming to Thanksgiving. Tiny shards of jealously since I've never done that myself. But I put the words in quotations because she merely said - I don't think we should date anymore - but they'll still hang out when they can and keep talking, since they connect so well. Which I think is crap, but it wasn't a clear break, right? There's no - let's be friends - in there. No - I never want to see you again - stuff. Just - I'm unsure and don't know what I want. That's great. Especially since he flew to Ripon and spent the weekend with her two weeks ago. And that's when she decided to drop this on him. Kinda tragic. I feel for him. He's had an ex do that before. And it's not a wonderful feeling.
Anyway, needless to say, it felt great to have a good conversation with him. I'm going to try calling him this week. See if we have the same convo magic as Saturday. Probably not, but I'm willing to risk it. :)
But being at the YFU meeting today (with all the kids from the South Bay), I felt sort of outside it all. Like I was merely watching everyone get along. So, I'm not exactly an island. I do appear to have meaningful dialogue with people. But then why am I so lonely? Why does my heart ache when I go to sleep some nights? I just feel like my world is full of sarcasm and sex jokes and not much else. I'm pretty sure my midterm didn't go well. We'll see how Wednesday goes. Second midterm. Yikes. If I can actually accomplish this Master's thing and move onto a PhD, then maybe I'll start accepting the fact that I am something worthwhile. But only maybe.
Ok, off to take a shit and then watch some CSI reruns.